Tomorrow Isn’t Promised

Today is never an easy day and if I’m honest with myself I can feel the tension and emotions building up in me a week or so leading up to March 31st. I can tell that I get more easily irritated, my emotions are usually all over the place, and my forgetfulness jumps to a whole new level. Today marks 4 years since my mom went to her heavenly home, and not a day goes by that I don’t miss her. I miss her contagious smile, her constantly positive perspective, and even how she would use her teacher voice with me.

For those who might not know her story, my mom was diagnosed with colon cancer at the end of January 2017 after a couple months of just not feeling well and thinking she was having gallbladder issues that inevitably led to surgery. She was a generally healthy and active person prior to this. To put it in perspective, she had participated in a half marathon in December before her diagnosis, and although she didn’t feel well enough to finish, she still finished a big portion of it. After continuing to feel worse, and having to deal with a wound vac from the gall bladder surgery that was not really the main issue, she had some more testing done and received the diagnosis; stage 4 colon cancer. I was beside myself at this point because this is never something you want to hear. My mom continued to go downhill at an alarmingly rapid rate, and never left the hospital until she was sent home with hospice. She passed away at home on March 31, 2017 only 2 short months after her initial diagnosis at 55 years young.

I was not prepared at all for mom to be gone so quickly, nor was I prepared to have both of my parents gone after losing dad 5 years prior. I was pregnant with Zeke when mom passed, and had no idea what was to come with his diagnosis. The time after she passed is seriously a bit of a blur and a nightmare rolled into one. I was dealing with pregnancy, a newborn with a genetic condition, a failing marriage, the loss of Mom, and now an estate. My sister was my rock through this stage, and I would have never been able to do it with her. Kendra and I spent hours on hours going through things at mom’s house. Not only was it all of her things, but all of dad’s which she hadn’t parted with, and many of grandma’s things as well that she had received after she passed. We weren’t dealing with one estate, we were dealing with three peoples belongings. Kendra and I have both had nightmares about going through all the things, and both vowed to each other that we will have all of our things in order for when we pass, AND live minimalistically when it comes to “stuff”. As difficult as this time was, it shaped both my sister and I, and this chapter closed officially this week. After four years we were finally able to completely close mom’s accounts and estate. It was a bittersweet moment; relief that it was finished, but a stark reminder of the finality of things especially nearing the anniversary of mom’s passing.

As I have mentioned before, the loss of both of my parents in their 50’s has really shaped my perspective on age, and living each day to the fullest. If I only live as long as they did, I am already well past my prime, so I try to make sure I live each day for the day it is, and try to savor each moment. I wear my heart on my sleeve much of the time, I tell people what I think and how I feel, I let those around me know that I love them and appreciate them, and I am quick to forgive. Life is simply too short to live it any other way. I actually have a tattoo of an hourglass as part of my sleeve to remind me of exactly that; our time is limited here on Earth, and I need to live life to the fullest. Mom was such a BIG personality who is greatly missed by all who knew her. I know she is rejoicing to be in her heavenly home and back in the arms of my dad. I will hold tight to the promise that I will see her again, and I only hope that I am making her proud!