Fear is a Liar

I’ve gone back and forth about writing this post more times than I can count. Which, if you’ve read my blog for any amount of time, probably doesn’t surprise you at all. This isn’t just an announcement. It isn’t just a “hey, I wrote a book” moment. This feels more like standing in the middle of the room and saying, Here. This is me. All of it.

So let’s start here. I wrote a memoir called Four Lives by Forty, and as of today, it officially exists in the world. That sentence still feels a little unreal to type.

This book didn’t start as a plan. It started as survival. It started as notes, and prayers, and journal entries written on days when I didn’t know how things would turn out. I felt like I had lived four entirely different lives before I ever turned forty. If that sounds dramatic, well … it kind of was.

The title comes from the way my life naturally divided itself into chapters. Not neat ones, or clean ones, but real ones. Four distinct “lives,” shaped by love, loss, faith, grief, rebuilding, learning, sometimes the hard way. This is about who I became each time everything I thought I knew changed.

This is not a book about getting everything right. It’s a book about starting over. Its a book about choosing faith when certainty wasn’t an option. About learning that loss can coexist with joy, and about discovering that God is often doing His deepest work when we feel the most undone.

If you’ve been reading my blog for years, parts of this story will feel familiar. Some of the events, some of the themes, some of the heartbreaks and the healing, are things I’ve share here. However, there is also so much that I’ve never said out loud; not because I was hiding, but because I wasn’t ready. If I’m honest with myself, some of it was hard to write and scary to release into the world.

There are stories in this book that I never thought I’d share publicly. Stories that once felt too personal, too raw, too heavy. Stories I told myself were safer kept quiet. However over time, those stories didn’t stay quiet. They stayed persistent.

I kept coming back to the same question in prayer:

What if my story isn’t just for me?

What if the things I survived, the things I grieved, the ways God met me in the middle of absolute messes, are the things could help someone else feel less alone?

I know how isolating it can be to feel like your life didn’t go according to plan. I know what it’s like to look around and think, Why does everyone else seem to know what they’re doing except me? I know how heavy it feels to carry grief, or shame, or disappointment, or questions you don’t have answers to yet. And I also know how faithful God has been in my life; not by preventing every heartbreak, but by walking with me through them.

This memoir isn’t about perfect faith, it’s about real faith. It’s about the kind of faith that shows up when you’re tired. The kind of faith that you wrestle with. The kind of faith that allows you to learn slowly that God is still good even when life hurts.

I’ve mentioned before that this book is for the people who have had to rebuild their lives quietly. For the ones who didn’t get a dramatic “before and after” montage. Also for the ones whose growth happened behind the scenes, in therapy offices, in late-night prayers, in starting over when they didn’t want to.

If that’s you, this book is for you.

Yes, putting this out into the world is scary. There’s the fear of being misunderstood, of criticism, of failure, and that it won’t matter.

Despite all of those fears, there is certain truths I keep coming back to. If this book helps one person feel less alone, one person name their grief, gives one person hope that starting over doesn’t mean starting from nothing, and most importantly if it turns even one heart back toward God, even just a little, then there is nothing to fear.

Fear tells me that I waited to long, I shared too much, and that my story isn’t enough. BUT God tells me obedience matters more than outcomes, that stories can heal, and that light is meant to be shared.

So this is me choosing faith over fear again, because Fear is a Liar!

Thank you for being here. Thank you for reading, for listening, for walking alongside me through so many seasons. This blog has always been a place for honesty and hope, and this book is simply an extension of that.

As I have shared before, I like to start off each new year not with a resolution, but with a focus. Every year I pray on what that one focus word or phrase should be for me for the year. It has been very interesting, since I started this practice, with how much my focus word or phrase really does end up being so fitting throughout the year. This year has already started as a year of huge change, and we are only a few weeks in. With that in mind, after much prayer and thought, I choose my focus word for 2023. Metanoia.

Interestingly enough my word for this year happens to be Greek just as my word for last year was. Metanoia means the journey of changing one’s mind, heart, self, or way of life, or the act of reforming; becoming new. This word couldn’t be more true for what I feel is in store for me and my family this year.

This year started with a whirlwind of changes. Zeke had his trach removed the first week of January, which although SO exciting, leads to so much change. He will be losing his nurses in the next couple weeks which is huge for all of us. His nurses have become family, and they will be missed dearly. We are already adjusting to new routines with less nursing coverage than before and trying to get accustomed to this new normal. The biggest change will be for Zeke when he attends school for the first time without a nurse by his side. To top all this off, Zeke lost his first two teeth which made my momma heart hurt, as it was such a stark reminder of how quickly he is growing up on me.

We also had the change of welcoming Zeke’s au pair, Carmen, to our family just two days after getting his trach removed. Carmen has joined us from Mexico and will be living with us for a year. My hope was that having her here would help Zeke socially and emotionally adjust to not having nurses by his side 24 hours a day. It was a huge blessing that Carmen previously taught Kindergarten before coming to us, and is able to help Zeke with his Spanish, and me too. Zeke adores her and tells everyone she’s “my Carmen”. We have been beyond blessed to have Carmen with us, which makes that change so wonderful.

In contrast to these joyous changes, over the past 10 months I have been dealing with ongoing turmoil in coparenting with my children. While I can’t go into any details at this time, the entire ordeal has already been life changing. This struggle lead to my move to College Station and a shift in goals and plans for the future. Regardless of what happens in this area, there will be ramifications from this that will forever change our dynamics.

I’ll save the announcement of the biggest changes that are likely coming for a subsequent blog post, but what I can say is that huge life altering changes will be coming our way this year, or at least that is the plan, God willing. I know my younger self would be living in constant fear of these changes and fretting about not knowing what is to come. However, along with my personal growth, I’ve grown even stronger in my walk with God and I am choosing to be still, even if things seem chaotic to me. That’s why I confidently choose metanoia as my focus word for the year. This life of mine is a journey without a doubt, and I’m looking confidently forward to this year and the changes coming in my mind, heart, self, and way of life. I will not fear these changes because I know God’s plans are perfect, and FEAR IS A LIAR!

Today is one of those days that we have waited on for years, but also a day that has brought me much happiness and grief over the past few years. Today is the day Chris and I got married, and what would be our third wedding anniversary. However today this date takes on a new significance as well, because today, Zeke will be getting his trach removed! January 4th has previously been a day full of so many emotions, and I’m sure today will be no different.

This day three years ago was one of the happiest days of my life standing in Chris’s best friend Corey’s living room, and marrying Chris. We didn’t have a lavish wedding, and had no attendants other than Corey, but as we stood there we had everything we needed in this world, God, love, and each other. After losing Chris, this day has been difficult. It has been plagued with the what could have been thoughts. Instead of focusing on those thoughts though, I have tried to use this day as a day of remembrance of our love and what it taught me. After two failed marriages, both Chris and I swore we would never get married again, but God had different plans. I wholeheartedly believe that God gave me Chris, even though brief, to show me what a loving, trusting, and healthy relationship can look like. I believe God gave me Chris to renew my faith in not only marriage but in the perfectness of His plans.

Today, January 4th takes on a new adventure, and such a huge milestone for Zeke. Chris was there to watch Zeke take his first steps, to help him learn so many things, to love him, and to be his “Dada”. I couldn’t think of a more perfect date than our anniversary to be Zeke’s day for decannulation. Zeke had the tracheostomy placed in March of 2018, and we weren’t sure when, if ever, he would be able to get rid of it. Getting the tracheostomy was such a life changing event for all of us. Getting the trach meant almost two years of being tied to tubes for oxygen. The trach meant having nurses in our house 24 hours a day. The trach meant restricted activities and vacations. The trach meant further speech delays. The trach meant medical equipment and supplies overtaking our dinning room and almost all storage spaces including the attic. The trach meant regimented treatment schedules that could not be deviated. The trach meant modifying everything Zeke interacts with from toys to the vehicle I drive to accommodate the needed medical equipment. The trach meant training for me on trach care, changes, CPR, and so many other things. Most importantly though, the trach meant safe sleep for Zeke, and a way for him to breathe.

Zeke has endured 1,749 days, 41,976 hours, and 2,518,560 minutes with this trach. Zeke has endured over 1800 trach care sessions, over 250 trach changes, 4 life flights, 3 hospital stays of over 3 weeks, and countless hospital visits and procedures. He’s learned to tell me or his nurses when he needs to be suctioned, can put his cap on his trach, attach oxygen tubing, turn on his oxygen, bipap machine, and nebulizer, and self administer his oral meds. When I say that Zeke is a boss, I mean it with every ounce of my body. Zeke is tough as nails and has learned to overcome all of the things that this trach meant for his life.

As I did Zeke’s last trach care last night all sorts of emotions welled up in me. While we have all been waiting anxiously and praying for this day to come, removing the trach truly means a complete change for our family. I cannot express how thankful I am for the nurses that have been with us over the past 4 years and 10 months. They have truly become part of our family, as they are always there. They are with us for meals, family celebrations, school, and all aspects of our daily lives. We have learned so much about them and their families, and Zeke has become friends with their children. Knowing that we won’t have those “family” members present on a daily basis anymore makes this process a little bittersweet. At the same time though, I am beyond excited for what a trach free life looks like for Zeke. While he will still have plenty of treatments to do each day, he won’t have the restrictions of the trach. I think he will be most excited about swimming without as much fear; although I think my fears were bigger than his. It also means he can travel more freely without the need for oxygen, the ever present “go-bag” for emergency trach situations, and the suction machine all traveling with us. It will also mean he can be as rough as he wants without the fear of accidentally dislodging the trach. Trach free life will be a big change, but such a huge blessing.

Zeke has been counting down the days for this decannulation, and despite a last minute reschedule due to pneumonia, the day has arrived. When Zeke woke up today and started his treatments he confidently told me, “No more trach”! Joy filled my heart as he said those words, because I know how excited he is despite the nervousness of having to stay at the hospital overnight. All the way to the hospital he continued with the excited chatter about having “no trach”, but also said “no hospital”. I should have known that this was a good indication that he was going to be very upset with staying at the hospital tonight.

When we arrived to the hospital we went through all the normal procedures for getting checked in and waited for them to call him back. Zeke has had this laryngoscopy done multiple times before, but today’s was a little more nerve wracking since I knew the trach removal would hinge on his airways being structurally clear, and having no issues. Zeke momentarily threw a fit when he had to go back and leave us, but I was assured by the doctor that he stopped the tears quickly after we left. As I sat in the waiting room I said a prayer that all would be good with the procedure so that we could continue with the trach removal. GOD IS GOOD. The doctor came out within about 30 minutes to let us know that everything looked good and Zeke would be losing the trach as soon as we got moved up to a room.

From recovery, to the time we got to his room, Zeke’s only concerns were “trach out, eat, go home”. He was livid to say the least when we reminded him that he would have to stay the night tonight for observation. I had asked Zeke several times if he was going to pull his trach out or if he wanted me to, and everytime I have asked, he has said “Jamie do it”. I was interested to see if that would be the case, and sure enough when the time came I asked him again and again he said “Jamie do it”. I’m beyond thankful for my boyfriend Jamie for being there for us today, and for all he does, but also thankful that he is there for Zeke and willing to do the hard things when asked. Just as Zeke requested Jamie took the trach out when it was time. Zeke had tears, not because the trach was gone, but because he wanted food, and to go home. Hangry is an understatement at this point for where Zeke was at emotionally. After calming down and getting some food in his stomach, he was happy to sit back and play Mario Cart with Jamie.

Today has been such an emotional roller coaster, and is such a huge milestone in life for Zeke. Fearful of how things would go today is probably the best way to describe how I have been feeling the past week or so. Fearful of whether the scope would be good, fearful of Zeke’s reaction to the trach being gone, and fearful for the immense changes coming for our family with this milestone. However, I know without a doubt there is nothing to fear. God has been here through the past 1,749 days of this journey, and He will continue to be with us as we proceed. I remind myself every time I start being fearful that God’s plans are perfect and Fear is a Liar!

I sat down to look at my calendar a couple weeks ago, and was shocked to see how quick this summer would go. I realized that if I wanted to take a weekend trip with a friend, the only weekend I had available was the NEXT weekend! After that I had things scheduled with my girls last weekend, this weekend, and then I leave for my first LONG international trip next week; more to come! When I saw what little time I had left, I decided a weekend adventure in Arkansas with a friend was just what my heart needed, so we made it happen. We were ready for the hot springs, hiking, and some Jeep Badge of Honor trails!

We left on Friday morning to make the 6.5 hour drive to Hot Springs, Arkansas, with Gussie loaded down with snacks, drinks, our bags, and of course our trusty recovery gear that we might need for the trails. I had taken a trip to Eureka Springs a few years ago and LOVED the beauty of Arkansas, so I was super excited for the chance to head back to visit a different area. Of course now that I have drank the Jeep kool-aid, no trip is complete without completing a Badge of Honor trail. I was super thankful that my friend was down to hit the ground running, quite literally, when we made it to Hot Springs, since that is how I roll when it comes to travel. We hadn’t even made it to our hotel yet when we saw the sign for the Garvan Woodland Gardens, which I remembered from pining on my Arkansas travel board, but hadn’t necessarily planned on stopping at this trip. However, life is short, so we busted a u-turn and headed to the gardens. Was I ever so thankful we did! If you are ever in the Hot Springs area of Arkansas, do NOT skip a trip here. The gardens are located in the Ouachita Mountains and not only boasted beautiful vegetation, but there were also amazing views of waterfalls, Lake Hamilton, and so many other artistic additions. We viewed many of the different areas of the gardens but my favorites were the Garvan pavilion, fairy garden, Evans tree house, cave and waterfall, Anthony Family Carillion Tower, and the Anthony Chapel. It was so peaceful to explore the gardens, and you could see God’s hand in creating such beauty every where you looked.

After leaving the gardens, we headed to the bath house row to check in to our cute motel that was located just a little off the row. We stayed at The Happy Hollow which was a super cute vintage motel that was located within walking distance to all things Hot Springs. We took a look around and dropped off our luggage after checking in, and then headed out to hike. Again, down time is not something I tend to have a lot of on weekend trips, and I was thankful my friend was down for it.

We decided to hike to the Hot Springs Balanced Rock. We had friends who had hiked Big Bend a week or so before and I thought it would be fun to get Balanced Rock pics in Arkansas since they had just posted the Big Bend Balanced Rock pics. The hike to the balanced rock was not long, but man was it steep! In the midst of our hike up to the rocks, I remembered I was supposed to be on a zoom call for my upcoming international trip. OOPS! Thankfully the group I am traveling with loves to travel and hike as much as I do, so they were totally down for some sketchy service and pretty views on the zoom call. When we did make it to the balanced rock we of course had to not only take pictures of it, but climb to the top. My friend is amazing at shooting drone videos, and shot probably the most epic video I have ever had taken of me. The drone was flown far out to see the Ouachita Mountains, and zooms in on me standing on top of the balanced rock. It was AMAZING!

After the hike we were starving and headed to bath house row to see what we could find. My friend suggested a pizza place called Deluca’s Pizzeria, and it was the perfect pick. The food was phenomenal and the drinks were tasty too. We thought it would likely be good when the waitress told us the owner is from New York, VERY Italian, and takes great pride in making good pizza. It was with out a doubt authentic with great flavor combinations on the pizza. We went with a half and half pizza based on our waitress’s favorites, and it was SO good. I was super excited to see that a few of the pizzas had peppadew on it, including our pick, which I hadn’t had since my last visit to one of my favorite South African eateries in the Houston area. We left Deluca’s full to the brim and enjoyed the walk back to our motel to get some sleep for the next day.

Hot Springs day 2 was dedicated to off-roading in Gussie. Thankfully, Hot Springs is home to all 3 Jeep Badge of Honor Trails that are up for grabs in the whole state! This of course was not a coincidence, since continental travel for me must include a badge of honor trail at this point. As we pulled up to the Hot Springs Off Road Park we saw tons of Jeeps and new we had arrived at the right place. We had planned on doing the three trials longest to shortest, which we also thought would be hardest to easiest, but as we got onto the trails I quickly realized that Arkansas might just rate their trails a little differently. As we looked at how the park had rated the trails versus how Jeep Badge of Honor had rated the trails, we realized they might be more difficult than originally expected, but it isn’t an adventure if you don’t challenge yourself, so to the trails we headed. The three trails we wanted to complete were Rubicon Ridge, Snake, and Fun Run. It was a big changed from my go to off road park, Hidden Falls, that is mainly dust, rocks, and hills in the Texas Hill Country. These trails were winding, lined with trees that had visible scuff marks were people had slid their vehicles into them, mud holes, slate rock, and plenty of loose rocks on the trails. At one point the foot was on the break, and the emergency break was engaged and Gussie was STILL SLIDING! It took some learning to navigate it all, but we managed to finish all three of the trails in one piece. Of course no Jeep trail day is complete without meeting other Jeepers who are also doing sketchy things on the trails and trying to get you in on the action. This trip it was a couple from Houston, who were drinking (which is not allowed), and kept setting these mini bottles of liquor out on rocks along the trail in front of us, wanting us to pick them up to take a shot. I died laughing as we grabbed them and threw them in the cooler when we drove by. At one point the husband decided it was a good idea to stand in the drivers seat, body out the top of the Jeep, put it in low, and just drive while standing in the seat. We always tend to meet at least one of these kind of Jeepers on the trail. My “But did you die?!” decal was referenced more than once after getting through some sketchy stretches of trails, but all in all, it was an awesome day of trails.

When we left the off road park we headed back to Hot Springs to take advantage of the name sake of the town and spend some time at one of the bath houses. We ended up going to the Quapaw Baths since they have a public pool. Of course I didn’t plan ahead enough to reserve a private bath, and really it isn’t my style. I love people watching too much for that. The hot springs felt absolutely wonderful on my sore body between the hiking the day before, and being tossed around the Jeep on the trails. We soaked for about an hour and a half before they closed and then headed out for supper. Since my friend picked the place the night before, it was my turn and we all know I can’t go anywhere without testing the Mexican food waters, even if it is North of Texas. The first place we stopped at had an hour wait, so we went to another choice, further off of bath house row, called the Colorado Grill, and it happened to be a hidden gem. The Mexican food AND margaritas were good even on Texas standards. My only complaint was that while the menu did have queso blanco, it also had this next to it…(cheese dip). I died laughing when I saw it, but it was all so good that I couldn’t give them too much grief. After supper we made the walk back to the Happy Hollow for our last sleep before heading back to Texas in the morning.

Before heading out we decided to stop for breakfast at a place called Phil’s Family Restaurant, and whoa was this an experience. To say this place was quirky would be an understatement. The interior was decorated like a mash up of Cracker Barrel and Storage Wars. It was so interesting that we debated while waiting for our food if they had hit up estate sales to decorate the inside, or if we thought they were all heirlooms from several generations of Phil’s family. When the food arrived though, none of that mattered. I have never seen such huge fluffy pancakes in my entire life. The amount of food that was brought to our table was literally enough for 4 people, and our bill was UNDER $20! If you don’t mind quirky, and want good food at a great price, Phil’s is a must! As we pulled out to head home we made a spur of the moment decision to head to the casino, with a $20 budget each, to try our luck at some slot machines. My friend had actually never been to a casino before, and now I had them at one on a SUNDAY. Talk about a bad influence; my bad. Surprisingly enough we were able to stretch our $20’s for a little less than an hour which was WAY longer than either of us expected. We loaded into Gussie and hit the road to Texas.

Arkansas did not disappoint and was just what I needed for a weekend get away. The weekend was filled with peaceful moments, exciting trails, and despite my Sunday gambling, ample opportunities to see God’s beauty in the nature surrounding us in Arkansas. It was also a great kick start to get me ready for my big travel coming up next week. While I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little nervous to fly half way around the world for a restorative trip in an unknown country, I can say without a doubt that those nerves will not turn into fear, because FEAR IS A LIAR, and next week I am…

Bali Bound!

I felt absolutely blessed to be able to take my kiddos on their very first ski trip over spring break. I did my research and found a family friendly ski resort that would be ideal for our family and our lack of skiing experience. I decided that driving through the night and letting the kids sleep in the car would be the best bet since arguing in the car has been a constant lately. As we loaded into the van to head to New Mexico the kiddos were excited to say the least, but I could also sense some anxiousness about learning how to ski. As we pulled out of the drive I glanced over at my copilot and was thankful that my significant other was getting to come on this trip too.

I have learned to love night time travel; kids are quite, roads are clear, and boring drives are eased by the moonlight. This was definitely nice for the drive to New Mexico. If you’ve ever made that drive, it is very boring until you reach the mountains, and I was thankful to have done the majority of it before daylight. The kids slept the majority of the trip and didn’t wake up until after we had entered New Mexico which was perfect. Our house we were staying at was in Las Vegas, New Mexico which was pretty hilarious to explain to the kids. The only one out of the the big kids that realized there are two cities named Las Vegas was Kyleigh who whispered to me, “isn’t Las Vegas in Nevada?”, and I laughed and told her she was a smart girl, but not to tell the others. As we pulled into Las Vegas I excitedly exclaimed “Look kids, we are in Las Vegas!” as I pointed at the city limits sign. Kenner said “wait, where is the big Vegas sign?” in a confused voice, and Grace said “What about all the lights big casinos and stuff?”. Kyleigh started dying laughing, and I told her she could tell them since she had already figured it out. It was comical to say the least.

We stopped for breakfast at a local restaurant, and the kids were immediately excited because there was “snow” in the shadowed areas of the sidewalks walking up to the restaurant. The snow was really icy mess that had probably been there a while, but to these Texas kids it was super exciting. They insisted on stopping to make some snowballs out of it and of course throw them at each other and us. It was sweet to see them so excited about this little amount of snow, and made me excited to see how they would react when they got to see real snow at the ski resort.

We had planned on spending that first day sight seeing since we couldn’t check into the house until later in the afternoon, so we gave the kids the choice of going on a hike, or going to look at the local pueblos. Of course the feedback was split, because my kiddos rarely agree on anything. Thankfully, my handy all trails hiking app provided the perfect answer; there was a mile hike viewing some pueblos at the Pecos National Historical Park. Since the kids haven’t hiked anywhere as much as me or my significant other, this trail was a great start to hiking for them. It was an easy hike with beautiful views, plenty of stopping points to read about the different Pueblo sites and ruins, and included some snow in the shaded areas of the trail. We all loved learning about the Pueblos, exploring, and of course getting to stretch our legs after being in the car so long.

After our hike we made the drive to the ski resort to pick up our ski gear so we wouldn’t have to do it the next morning. We opted for the scenic route so that the kids could see the mountains and get a better idea about the area we were in. Although the drive was beautiful, the kids were so eager to get to the ski resort that all we kept hearing was “how much longer?”. When we arrive the kids were blown away by the snow fort outside of the lodge and did not want to go in to get their ski gear, but we promised them it would make things quicker the next morning getting started skiing, or so we thought. Getting gear was more of an undertaking than I planned for mainly due to the kids needing to try on several sizes of ski boots before finally settling on ones that fit. After we got all the gear though, we let the kids play on the snow fort as promised. They quickly grabbed their ski gloves and went to playing. This fort was built with areas for climbing, walls for protection from incoming snowballs, and slides coming down from the top. My crazy crew successfully got all of the kids playing to team up for an all out snowball war against me and my significant other. While we were completely outnumbered, we had fun defending ourselves and getting in on the snowball action with the kids. Before we left the kids were able to tackle their other goal of building a snowman. It might have been small, but it sure was cute, and they were proud.

We left Sipapu and headed back to Las Vegas to get supper. We decided to eat at a local place called Prairie Hill Cafe, that was in a cute historic hotel in downtown. As we walked through the front door Kenner stopped and said “eww Mom it smells like cigarettes”. I smelled the air and didn’t smell anything or see anyone smoking. I assured Kenner that there was no smoking in the restaurant so maybe it was someone outside. We were seated at the restaurant and started looking at the menu. Kenner said he wanted a cheeseburger so I looked for it on the menu, and to my surprise according to the menu, the Byron T burger was named after a ghost that haunts the hotel, and whose presence is know when you smell his cigar smoke around you! I showed Kenner and his eyes got really big as he smiled and said “no way!”. The food was so delicious and they earned extra points from me for having my absolute favorite prickly pear margarita on the menu. After dinner we headed home to get settled in and get some sleep for our big skiing adventure.

Our next two days at Sipapu were filled with learning, falling, laughing, snowmen, snowballs, and plenty of skiing. we started the first day with some frustration because Grace’s ski boots magically no longer fit from the day before, so we had to get in line for gear despite trying to plan for it the day before. We also realized that the ski school had been booked out online for weeks, so the kids would be getting their ski school crash course from us. Despite these challenges the kids all successfully learned the basics, all could ski independently using the magic carpet lifts on the bunny slopes, all rode the big ski lift, and all made it down some bigger green runs with our help. On our last day skiing each of the kids separately asked me if we could make this ski trip a spring break tradition, which made my heart so happy.

After turning our gear in on the last day we decided to take the kids to see the Philmont Scout Ranch, which was a place that my significant other spent a large amount of his summer time at growing up. He’s an Eagle Scout and has amazing scout stories about this place. The drive to Philmont was absolutely beautiful through the Carson National Forest, and when we arrived at the Scout Ranch it did not disappoint. While we were at the ranch we saw donkeys, wild turkey, axis deer, mule deer, and the Tooth of Time which was pretty awesome. The kids and I enjoyed hearing all the cool stories from my significant other and seeing all the “tent cities” at the scout ranch. Afterwards we headed back to the house for a pizza dinner which is a vacation tradition for my kiddos. It might seem silly but this tradition started when I was a kid. We would always have pizza delivered to our hotel one night of vacation, because this seemed like such a treat to us since we grew up in Caldwell with no delivery services.

The next morning we all loaded into the van for the long drive home, and said goodbye to our spring break home. We spent part of our time on the drive home telling our favorite ski stories, part of the time listening to the podcast “Stuff You Should Know”, a new road trip tradition thanks to my significant other, and the rest of the time enjoying each other and the views. Our final surprise for the kids was when we stopped for supper in Abilene. We ate at Little Italy, which was one of my significant others favorite places to eat in college. After we finished my significant other took us to Abilene Christian University, where he graduated college from, to give us a tour. The campus was absolutely beautiful, and the kids and I loved hearing all the fun stories we were told through out the tour. My significant other as well as his parents and the majority of his siblings all went to ACU so there were some pretty epic stories.

This was the first big trip I had taken the kids on over spring break, and there were a million different things I could have been fearful or worried about with this trip. However, I chose to trust that this would be a wonderful trip, and remember that God would have us covered for safety. I could only do this because I know two things are absolute truths; God’s plans are perfect, and FEAR IS A LIAR!

The weekend before last I took a trip to Big Bend to go trail riding and camping, and it did not disappoint. I have had a love for the West Texas desert for over a decade, and this trip might have topped them all. I recently made the decision to sale our travel trailer and buy a rooftop tent, and this was the first camping adventure with it. As I peaked out the tent window Friday morning, I watched the sunrise over the mountains, and it was a breathtaking view.

Not only was this weekend so wonderful because of the beauty of Big Bend, but it was a weekend UNPLUGGED; no cell service, no internet, no electricity. We enjoyed the beauty of God’s creations without the distractions of all the things that we have now grown to see as “normal” in this fast paced life, but are things that definitely take our time, and in my opinion make us blind to the beauty that is around us in nature. This was a milestone trip, because it was the first time I was leaving Zeke with his dad with no nurse while going out of town. His dad has happily given extra time with Zeke most times when I go out of town, but usually there is a nurse there too. We had night nursing, but not day nurses on Saturday and Sunday, so it was truly just Zeke and dad time while I was gone. That of course is wonderful for Zeke, but had the potential for making me a little nervous since Zeke is so used to having a nurse with him. It was also significant that this trip was my first travel adventure with my boyfriend, which is definitely a big deal for me. You all know I LOVE to travel, and you probably know how road trips and especially camping, can tell you a lot about a person. I knew that this trip would be huge for me in our relationship.

The trip to Big Bend is an 8 hour drive from my house to the entrance to the park. As if this wasn’t daunting enough, we would still need to travel another hour and a half down Old Ore Road, on which your max speed is 20 mph, once we entered the park to get even remotely close to where my boyfriend’s brother and sister and law had set up camp for the night. We had originally planned on leaving Caldwell around lunch and heading that way, but due to an unexpected turn of events with my boyfriend’s work, we didn’t end up leaving Caldwell until around 6. Thankfully, I LOVE to drive on road trips, so I was in it for the long haul driving to Big Bend. We stopped a few times for gas and caffeine, but rolled into Big Bend safely in the early morning, and made it to our campsite around 3:30am. We quickly popped open the rooftop tent, which I can’t say enough good things about, and set up our temporary campsite. We we were both asleep by 4:00am which meant a whole 2 hours of sleep before waking up at 6:00am to make the 40 minute drive on Old Ore Road to meet the others. It was set to be 30 degrees that night, so I was sincerely worried about how cold we would be, but between the sleeping bag layered with another sleeping bag on top, the insulation of the tent, and body heat, it was surprisingly pretty warm that first night. We also surprisingly woke up feeling refreshed after our quick 2 hour cat nap, and were ready to hit the trail to meet the others. In reflecting on our drive down and that first night, I was amazed at how wonderful the ride was. Sometimes long car rides can get monotonous, but thanks to us having ADHD and ADD, we were able to talk the entire ride about probably 300 different topics, mostly coming from either something we saw outside, something we heard on the radio, or some random thought that popped in our heads. Only someone with ADHD/ADD can appreciate the beauty of this, since most people would be annoyed. We also set up camp in a remarkable speed, mainly because the RoofNest rooftop tent simply makes it that easy. As I had flashbacks of horrible camping experiences in previous relationships, they were quickly calmed by the patience, support, and love of my boyfriend as we set up camp in the wee hours of the night.

Friday was our first full day in the park and we quickly tore down camp, literally in less than 20 minutes, aired down the tires the rest of the way on Gussie, and hit the trail. Since we didn’t have cell phone service, we were going off of a GPS ping on “find your friend” with Apple from the day before, so we were hoping we weren’t too far off from finding them. When we pulled up to their campsite no one was to be found, and we initially felt a little defeated, but drove a little further down the trail to Telephone Canyon, where we had previously discussed meeting for coffee, and saw Truck Norris, my boyfriend’s brother’s truck, parked in a camping spot off the trail. We were eager to meet up my boyfriend’s brother and sister and law, and even more excited that they had the camping gear ready for coffee. We spent the majority of the morning exploring the rest of Old Ore Road. We saw all the desert views including some beautiful purple and pink cactus, the Chisos Mountains, and the Rio Grande River, which was absolutely serene. We stopped for lunch at the Rio Grande Village and had a brief moment of wifi while at the ranger station, and then enjoyed skipping rocks for a while on the Rio Grande. We had planned on leaving there and heading to the hot springs, but my boyfriend and I had to take care of some business for work and family stuff and make some phone calls while we had wifi, before heading to the hot springs. His brother and sister and law went ahead, and we met up with them when we were done. While we didn’t get as much time as I would hope at the hot springs, due to taking care of necessary business, we were able to get the calls done we needed to, and then did enjoy a little time at the hot springs. When the hot springs got too warm we jumped into the river to cool off, and waded across to put our feet on Mexican soil. After we left the hot springs, we headed towards Black Gap Road, which was what I was most excited for! Black Gap Road is the one trail that is rewarded with a Trail of Honor Badge through Jeep, and one of only three Badge of Honor Trails in the state of Texas. We knew that we would be taking the first part of the trail, which is partnered with tight roads, and steep cliffs on the sides in the dark, which was a little bit nerve wracking. We managed to make it to our campsite safely though, and get set up for the night. We got the RoofNest opened up, set up the kitchen, and cooked our supper. Of course it isn’t a trip for me without Mexican food, so we had cilantro lime grilled chicken paired with brisket skillet queso, and chips, along with a nice strawberry margarita by the fire.

Saturday we woke up, made some glorious coffee, thanks to my camping K-cup press, and packed up camp. We continued down Black Gap Road, and saw some amazing sites. My boyfriend brought his drone, and took some phenomenal footage of us on the trail, along with the Chisos Mountains. After completing Black Gap, we made the trek to the Chisos Basin, which is an area that is truly remarkable. It has it’s own micro-ecosystem complete with pine trees and different animals. We saw an adorable grey fox on the way up to the basin lodge. We had planned on eating at dinner at the lodge restaurant that night, and it was delicious. Directly off the patio of the basin lodge, you have a view through the “window” at the Chisos Basin, and at sunset, it was absolutely breathtaking. We enjoyed a delicious dinner paired with my all time FAVORITE drink, a prickly pear margarita. My boyfriend and I had planned on using the rooftop tent again that night, but his brother and sister in law offered for us to stay at the Chisos Basin Hotel with them since they had an extra bed. While I absolutely loved camping, I’m not going to lie a good shower was a nice way to end the evening.

We woke up the next morning with the plan to head to Terlingua for breakfast at the Starlight. Terlingua is a Ghost Town that is so awesome. If you’ve ever seen my van, you’ve likely noticed the “Viva Terlingua” bumper sticker. I couldn’t wait to go back to Terlingua to get a new bumper sticker for Gussie. As we pulled into Terlingua I was amazed by all the growth! Apparently a group/company called basecamp Terlingua started a push for development out there and it really has had a lot of growth. We were super happy to see the trading post in Terlingua and I immediately headed in to get my Viva Terlingua bumper sticker, along with some others, while the they went to get a table at the Starlight. We were all disappointed to find out that the Starlight was closed on Sundays, but we decided we would make the drive to Alpine and have brunch at Penny’s Diner, which all of us, except my boyfriend, had eaten at before. We made it to Alpine and pulled in to Penny’s and were shocked to walk in and find out it would likely be over an hour wait; they were apparently short staffed and having issues. After a quick google search I found a place called The Old Gringo that was advertised as a coffee and cocktail bar, and had rave reviews. It did NOT disappoint. It was tex mex food, no surprise there, and we all tried some type of different drink. I had The Old Gringo, which was the namesake of the restaurant and was made with cranberry and Southern Comfort. My boyfriend had the Texas Honey which apparently tastes like pecan pie, and was made with Pecan Praline Whiskey and TexaCola. His brother and sister and law ordered a TexaCola and the Godvia Morning, which was a chocolate and espresso martini.

After lunch we departed, headed towards home, with a plan to stop in Sonora to see the Caverns of Sonora. I asked if we should fill up before hitting the road, but my boyfriend’s brother said “there’s no way you’ll go through that much gas between here and Sonora”. He obviously didn’t know that Gussie’s full name is Gussie the Gas Guzzler. We were on a bit of a time crunch, because we had to make it to the Cavern’s before the final tour started at 5:00pm. We hit the road and started the drive there enjoying the sights along with listening to an awesome podcast my boyfriend got me hooked on called “Things You Should Know” that is full of all the random facts about almost any topic. We chose to learn about bees, beavers, and the Titanic on our drive. This is where that ADHD/ADD combination makes things awesome. As we were approaching Sonora, with just a little extra time before the last tour I hear that dreaded DING from Gussie…low fuel. That meant we had to drive past the caverns exit and further into Sonora to get gas, and then try to drive as fast as we could to make it back in time for the tour. By the grace of God, we were able to get gas and make it into the parking lot at 5:00pm on the dot. As we both ran into the ticketing area and store, the tour guide met us and said, “Yay you made it!”. It was nice to be greeted, and I was thankful the others had let them know we were on the way. The Caverns of Sonora if you have never been are truly AMAZING! I have been to caves all over Texas and throughout the United States, and there are formations in this cave that I had never seen before. I’m used to seeing stalactites and stalagmites, but they have a formation only found there in Texas called Helagtites that grow out of the walls of the cave in different directions. They also have calcite flows that are phosphorescent and glow after being activated by UV light, which was the coolest thing I had ever seen in a cave. If you haven’t been to this one in Texas you should definitely make it a stop. Also, if you love caves, there is a Texas Cave Tour Passport you can complete while visiting five of the caves in Texas, and if you visit all 5 within the year you get a free t-shirt! Needless to say, the Texas Cave Tour Passport is now on my bucket list for this year. After leaving the caverns, we headed home and our only stop on the way was my boyfriend’s pick for supper in Austin. He was shocked that I had never had In-and-Out Burger before, but this Texas girl has been a Whataburger fan my whole life. He spent many summers visiting family in California so In-and-Out was a staple for him. I will say, I was pleasantly surprised by In-and-Out and their “secret menu”. I loved that they had a different bible verse on the drink, fries, and burger containers. It was refreshing to see it.

Overall, this trip was such an amazing adventure, as well as a much needed break from the hustle and bustle of everyday life. That time in nature, unplugged, and completely separated from the modern world was exactly what my soul needed. While this trip had the potential to have me fearful over Zeke being without a nurse, and fearful about how that first adventure traveling with my boyfriend would go, as usual they were all unfounded. God knew exactly how much I needed this time enjoying His creations unplugged, how much Zeke needed the time with his dad without a nurse, and how this trip would only solidify the wonderful relationship that is being built with my boyfriend. The one constant remains; God’s plans are perfect, and FEAR IS A LIAR!

The start of the year is always a time where I feel particularly called to declutter, reassess my goals, and start new or adjust my current routines. This new year feels like more of a new beginning of sorts than other new years that I can recall. In reflecting, surviving the past year since Chris’s death, gave a feeling of a weight being lifted for making it to the anniversary milestone, and not feeling completely defeated. I believe this is what is bringing that feeling and urge of starting new. Each year I pick a focus or intention word or phrase for the year, and usually get a bracelet made with the word on it so that it is a daily reminder of my focus. This year, I prayed on what I wanted my focus to be, and I kept getting the vibes of new beginnings, fresh start, and a clean slate. With that in mind the phrase I picked this year is “Tabula Rasa which is Latin for clean slate, or the chance to start fresh. Now having a focus word for the year doesn’t magically make it happen, which is obvious in seeing my new year new me post is coming at the end of January.

I started picking a focus word or phrase a few years ago and made the decision to get a bracelet made each year with the word or phrase on it, so that I can wear my word/phrase in a place I can constantly see it as a reminder. My first year the phrase was “Let it Be”, last year’s was “Be Still” and of course this year is “Tabula Rasa”. I found that having a focus word/phrase, and having it in constant view has been super beneficial. I stole the idea from my sister Kendra who has done this for some time as well. I have a feeling that seeing it constantly will be even more important this year. I have a few goals for the year, all of which are focused on starting over, new beginnings, and clean slates.

One goal that has to be a focus this year is my health. While I have done a good job of keeping 80 of the 100 pounds I have once lost off for over a decade, I have let that extra 20 slip back on, and I’m not feeling quite as comfortable in my skin right now. To me it isn’t about a number on the scale at all; it’s about feeling comfortable in my own skin, fitting into my clothes and feeling beautiful in them, and most importantly about being a healthy mom for my kids, so that I can be active with them. When I get discouraged I like to look at these pictures to remind me how far I’ve come, where I’ve been, and of the importance of feeling comfortable in my own skin. The first photo is in 2009, the second only 6 months later in 2010, and the last is in 2020 and the size that I feel most comfortable.

A huge part of this journey of course is eating healthier. I already know that CARBS ARE NOT MY FRIEND; they literally make me puff up and feel so sluggish. I also need to monitor my gluten intake since my intolerance to it makes me pretty miserable when I do have gluten. Long story short it’s back to lean meats, lots of veggies and fruits, and limiting my carbs/gluten. My significant other tried to get me to do whole 30, but I am realistic in the fact that I KNOW I can’t give up dairy. I love my cheese too much for that! Another portion of getting healthy again is that I know I need to be exercising. While running is definitely still my love, I needed something that I could do with my kids, and that was more group oriented to help me stay accountable. This is how Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, BJJ, entered my life.

I did my trial week of classes at Brazos Valley Mixed Martial Arts, BVMMA, back in December and fell in love with the classes. BJJ is such an awesome full body workout; my abs were screaming for several days after my first class and doing certain moves across the mat. It also was enticing to me because it is all about learning technique. It doesn’t matter how big or strong you are; if you have good technique you can take down someone much stronger or bigger than you are. It is also great for self defense which is always a good thing to learn. My significant other was taking classes and convinced me to try, and I am SO thankful he did. Not only can I feel myself getting stronger and more confident, but my kids also took an interest in it. Both Kyleigh and Grace started classes in January as well and have really been enjoying them. Grace wants to go every time she can to classes which makes me so happy. I will say that BVMMA definitely feels more like a family than just a place to work out, which I appreciate more than anything. The coaches were quick to learn our names, ask about my kiddos if they have missed a class, and the other people in the classes have been huge in helping me learn new things. They are great about teaching me how to correct things when I do them wrong in a beneficial way. It has been an awesome experience so far, and I can’t wait to see what all we learn and how we improve both our BJJ skills, but also our strength and health.

Other than my health, my focus for this year is to truly have a new beginning. Although I know I won’t be in Caldwell forever, I came to the realization that I WILL be in Caldwell for the next 13 years or so, and I need to really make the most of the time that I am going to be stuck here. With that said, I’ve made the decision to add onto my house and remodel some on the inside. I’ve been in my house for almost 4 years now, and while it really is a nice set up for us, we could use a little more room. I’m planning an addition of a new master suite, and expanding the kitchen to make for more space. Along with this both existing bathrooms need updated showers/tubs and I want new floors throughout the house. I have hated the tile in my house from the moment I moved in, and I can’t wait to get something different. The exciting and scary part of this is that this remodel/addition, will force me to really go through our stuff and purge all the things we don’t want or need; think Marie Kondo and tidying up. I try to purge things in the house fairly frequently, but I know I haven’t done it in at least a year and a half. I also have almost an entire side of my two car garage filled with stuff that I had put aside for a garage sale pre-covid, that still hasn’t happened. To make matters worse, some of it includes boxes that have been in the garage since I moved in that were never actually put away anywhere. YIKES! Needless to say this will be a HUGE undertaking and clean slate process, but I am absolutely over the moon excited about it and how it will truly feel like a fresh start with a “new” house, even though I won’t be leaving Caldwell…yet.

My final big focus for the year is starting new professionally. When I entered my counseling program, I chose a masters program that not only trained me to be a school counselor, but also trained me to be a licensed professional counselor, or LPC. The LPC certification will allow me to have a private practice if I ever chose to. I completed all my coursework, but didn’t take the certification exam yet since taking the exam starts the timeline for getting your hours in to be certified. After passing the exam, you have 18 months to complete 3000 hours of counseling under an LPC supervisor. After attending a counseling seminar last year, I was encouraged to go ahead and do this. I’ve worked too hard completing all of the course work to not finish the certification. That goal not only put me on the search for an LPC supervisor to work under, but also had me looking at other programs to continue growing my career. At that same conference I learned about a PhD program that I didn’t know about previously. I had looked into a PhD program at A&M but was discouraged to find that it was not a working program, and I would have to be a full time student, with no job for a minimum of three years, which is just not possible for a single mom. The program I learned about at my conference is a working program through Sam Houston State. After much research and prayer, I made the decision to apply for the PhD program in December. IF I get accepted, the program wouldn’t start until the fall of this year, but seems like it would be an amazing fit. The program is for a PhD in counselor education which would allow me to either be the lead counselor over a counseling program for an entire charter or district, OR allow me to go into academia as a college professor teaching students how to be counselors while they are working on their master degrees in counseling. The college professor route seems like a dream goal for me to aspire. I don’t want to change careers now, but in the future, when my children have all graduated, the goal of being an online college professor opens up the door for me to travel and enjoy so many opportunities. I’m praying that I get accepted to the program, but in the meantime it is still my ultimate goal.

As fearful as I am of failing to get healthier, or not getting into the PhD program, I’ve now spoken it into existence, which is a huge step. It means that I now have made these goals public knowledge which means you get to help keep me accountable. It also means that I have nothing to fear about failing at these goals because I know God’s plans are perfect even if they aren’t my plans, and that FEAR IS A LIAR!

It is exceptionally difficult to explain what we have experienced over the past year. The past year is a paradox in that it feels like it was just yesterday that Chris went to his heavenly home, but also feels like we have lived a lifetime in this past year as we have adjusted to the changes. If I had to summarize the past year, I would say we have experience grief, growth, and God’s goodness.

Grief; so much grief. I have discussed before how ugly grief can be, how fickle, how all encompassing, and how life impacting. Grief has had one constant throughout the past year; it has changed us. The best way that I can describe grief is by saying that it comes in waves. Sometimes you are doing ok and are on top of those waves, and other times you are simply drowning. I processed my grief as quickly as I could after Chris passed, because I knew that I would need to be in an okay spot to be able to help my children process. I started seeing my counselor again, I wrote to Chris every night in a journal to “tell” him how my day was like I had done so many nights laying bed at the end of a day. The children all have processed a little differently, and are definitely still working through it. Kenner made the decision to go live with his Dad and be with me on the weekends. Kenner told me he needed a man to talk to since Chris wasn’t there to be that person anymore for him. While my momma heart hurt so bad when he told me, I knew without a doubt this is what he needed to heal. Kyleigh tried to be strong for a long time, and her grief was delayed until this fall. She didn’t truly start her grieving until then, and it’s been a hard road, but we are making progress. Grace has been grieving from the moment Chris was gone, and while she has less sad days than before, she is still working through it too. Zeke went daily to our bedroom peaked around the door and said “Dada” looking for Chris for the first two months after he passed. Zeke was so used to having Chris there, and the morning cartoon time in bed they enjoyed together. Zeke eventually stopped that routine, but there is not a single time he doesn’t pass by a picture of Chris in the house that he doesn’t point to it and say “Dada”. This fall we joined a grief group called Mending Hearts that has been a huge blessing to us. We go twice a month and have dinner with a group of other people who have lost family members, and then break into groups for the kids and the adults to do activities related to grief. It helps the kids to know they aren’t the only ones who have suffered loss, helps them to process their emotions, and teaches the adults good ways to help their kids communicate what they are feeling, work through the grief, and remember their loved ones in beneficial ways. For Christmas we made ornaments for our loved ones that we filled with different items, and wrote a card to go with it explaining what we put into it to represent them. I started filling my ornament and put some blue ribbons to represent Chris’s love for law enforcement and a white ribbon to represent his unwavering faith. As I was doing this I heard Kenner say “mom you know what you should put in there?” I looked at him and asked what, and he said “a gold ribbon”. I was intrigued and asked why, and Kenner with a straight face looked at me and said, “because Chris always told us he married you for your money”. I DIED LAUGHING. Chris joked with the kids all the time telling them that, and Kenner would always pop back and say “what money?! she’s a teacher, she doesn’t have money”. We would always laugh so hard over it, and it was such a great memory for Kenner to contribute. I added my gold ribbon and finished it up.

Growth is something that should be never ending for us. I don’t know how many times I have been told that you “grow through what you go through” at different times in my life when dealing with trials. It’s an accurate statement, but not an easy one to swallow. Your immediate reaction when faced with trials isn’t usually to think about how much it will help to grow you as a person, but in all honesty it should be. One of my absolute favorite bible verses that has been a comfort to me through the grieving process is James 1:2. “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance”. Through every hardship I have faced, I have grown closer in my relationship with God. I absolutely can’t imagine going through this without having my faith. There have been so many times when I have referenced Job and all the trials he went though, and although when Chris passed I felt like Job for a moment, I quickly realized that I still didn’t have it as bad off as Job, and despite the trials Job never turned from God, and I won’t either. Grace’s relationship with God has grown as well. She made the decision this year to accept Jesus Christ as her savior and was baptized. Other than my relationship with God continuing to grow, I’ve seen growth in my appreciation for the present. I absolutely take each day for what it is now, I’m quick to forgive, and I tell people that I love and appreciate them more often than before. This experience has reminded me that tomorrow is not promised, and that I need to live in the now.

God’s Goodness has been a constant throughout this year. At every turn I’m reminded of how God is blessing me through this journey. The blessings have overflowed throughout this past year from meals prepared by loving hands after Chris’s death, to my mom friends who snuck in and cleaned my house, to the never ending prayers from my friends, family, and church, to the groups that I have joined and connections I have made due to losing Chris. I started a widows small group at my church and have met some absolutely amazing women through that. It is so nice to be able to discuss with someone who truly knows what you are doing through. I also joined another small group a church who have truly become friends and are such a blessing in my life. Throughout this journey God also blessed me with meeting the guy I’ve been seeing who is truly wonderful. Knowing today would be a hard day, he stopped by this morning to make sure I was ok, and to pray with me for today to be a good day remembering Chris, and to pray for peace for me and the kids. This was probably the absolute best possible way for me to start my day today, solidified my thoughts that this guy is someone amazing, and reassured me that God’s goodness of connecting me with these people when He knew I would need it most is astounding.

I had been thinking about what the kids and I would do today to celebrate Chris for a couple weeks. I asked Kyleigh what she thought and without hesitation she said “Mom we have to go eat at Walk-Ons”. I paused for a second and then remembered exactly why she would want to go there. The day before Chris’s accident he took the kids, just them, to Walk-Ons to each lunch, and they had so much fun. They even took pictures to send to me to make me jealous that they were eating there without me. I told Kyleigh I thought that was perfect. I decided I would pick the kids up from school and we would go play at Nerdvana, the vintage arcade, for a while which was one of Chris’s favorites, and then have dinner at Walk-Ons along with bundtinis for dessert from Nothing Bundt Cakes, which was always a birthday go to with Chris.

This has without a doubt been one of the hardest years of my life. Through it all though, the grief and the growth, I’ve been reminded that I have nothing to fear. I’ve been reminded that the suffering we have here on Earth, pales in comparison to the treasures we have waiting for us in eternity. I’m reminded that God is good all the time, and His plans are perfect. Finally I’m reminded that even though I have no clue what tomorrow will bring, and no idea when the last time will be the last time, I can’t be fearful for the future because FEAR IS A LIAR.

I started running years ago and have competed in several half marathons, 10K’s, a Tough Mudder, and who knows how many 5K races. I started running as a way to challenge myself and to make sure I was taking care of my heart and my body. Throughout the years though, I have found that running gives me a clarity of mind that not many other exercises can do, and has brought me so many new friendships, and experiences. Today I ran my first half marathon since 2018. When people ask if I am running the half or full marathon, my answer is always “the half, I’m only half crazy”.

When I started running, my mom also took an interest in running and ran all kinds of races, both by herself, and with one of her best friends Kim. I remember how excited my mom was when she finished a race. She knew that she had accomplished an amazing goal and was proud of herself, and I was proud of her too. Mom ran her last half marathon a month before she was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. She had the hardest time doing that BCS half and was so frustrated with her health and not being able to figure out what was going on with it. We would have never guessed that a month later we would get the awful news, and that in less than 4 months from that race she would be in her heavenly home. I am SO proud to be able to share the BCS memories with my mom.

People often ask me what the hardest race I ever ran was, and I would have to say without a doubt that it was the Tough Mudder. That race was both physically and mentally challenging. The running itself was 9 miles done through mud, briars, poison ivy, and a multitude of other environmental factors. Then throw in ridiculous obstacles, ice water, and electrical currents and you have a perfect storm of crazy. I ran it with some of my closest friends in my MOPS mom squad, and I think we killed it. I was completely sunburned and black and blue by the time I left that day, but it is an experience I would never trade.

One of my newest found pleasures of running has been by joining a running group in College Station. To be completely honest, I haven’t actually got to run with them very often, but they are more than just friends to run with. These people have become my tribe. I’m in small group with them, I pray with them, run with them, do church with them, and more importantly do life with them. I’m thankful for Jamie encouraging me to join the running group that led me to join the small group as well. This group is SO supportive. We pace each other in races, return to run our friends in across the finish line and to encourage them, and hold each other accountable for our training. This group of people of course has become much more than that through our small group. We support each other, pray for each other, and lift each other up through our walks with Christ.

On to today’s race. Bottom line for today is I WAS NOT READY. I started training for this race, but as usual life happened, and I did not train the way that I should. Now I wouldn’t say that I ran this half marathon completely cold, but almost. My goal was honestly just to finish without injury. Despite my fears of failure today with the race, I ended up finishing with a not too terrible time. My hips however started hurting horribly around mile 10, and I had to walk to hills until the end. One of the highlights of the race was that I saw so many running friends throughout the race who were excited to say hi and to cheer me on. Jamie walked back and ran in the last bit with me which was great because I totally needed the encouragement at that point. After being relieved to have finished, I texted my coworker Coach Phillips who was also running it to see how he did. He said he was about to finish up, so I got to cheer him on as he crossed the finish line too.

I never would have imagined when I started running over a decade ago that it would have such a huge impact on my life in so many different ways. The constant has been that no matter how fearful I am that I won’t be able to finish a race, or fearful that my body will fail, or fearful that I will be running alone and won’t know anyone, FEAR IS A LIAR. God created our bodies to do amazing things including running, and God has given me an amazing community of people through running, and for that, I am forever grateful!