Fear is a Liar

Grief is ugly. Grief is sad, lonely, and angry. Tonight grief looked like me driving to work, at 8:00pm at night, to do something that could have waited until tomorrow, to simply avoid being alone on Super Bowl Sunday. Super Bowl Sunday, such a benign, insignificant day in the scheme of things, but a day that grief made insurmountable. It’s not like I LOVE professional football, or that we had amazing Super Bowl parties, it’s that I enjoyed the time with my husband the last two years eating football food and watching the commercials, and this year, I’m completely alone. I’m sad that he isn’t here. I’m sad that I’m alone. I’m sad that I’m having to do things solo.

Tonight grief is unbelievably lonely. I would seriously have gone and hung out with people I don’t even like to avoid being alone tonight. For whatever reason tonight it stung to be alone. I guess it’s lonely because I think of all the wives who are complaining about their husband being so excited about the Super Bowl, and I would do anything to just have my husband back. I would honestly welcome any company at this point to not feel alone, and that is a weird feeling for me, because my circle is super small, my personal bubble is very large, and I don’t always let people in. However I feel an emptiness not having my husband here. It is a loneliness like I have never felt before.

Tonight grief looked like me being angry. Angry that I’m having to muddle through all the things that you told me not to worry about, that we would “figure them out together”, but now it’s just me trying to figure it all out alone. Angry at myself that I let my guard down and let you take care of me. Angry that I’m having to re-learn how to be a single mom after having you fill the role of my better half so well for the past two years. Angry that I’ve always been told how strong I am, but yet grief has me feeling completely weak and helpless.

Tonight grief looked like me listening to hard rock music the entire drive to work and back. Tonight grief looked like a trip to the daiquiri barn for a large daiquiri to drink when I got home to numb the pain. Tonight grief won, but tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully tomorrow I will convince myself that I will be ok. Hopefully tomorrow a clear mind will remind me that the fear of facing tomorrow without you is simply that, a fear, and that fear is a liar.

Yesterday was my 35th birthday, and I knew that it would likely be a hard day for me to “celebrate” without Chris, and with my big kids being at their Dad’s house this week. Birthday’s haven’t been something that I really celebrate since I was probably under the age of 16, but wow do I have some memories of birthday parties as a child. My mom, bless her, was a brave woman and allowed me to have a slumber party every year from probably age 5 through 16, AND she allowed me to have as many girls over as years old I was turning. My slumber parties were always one for the books. We had so much fun doing all the girl things and being wild and crazy. As I got older though, birthday’s just didn’t seem to have the same appeal.

After I turned 21 I remember saying for a few years that I was celebrating the “1st, 2nd, 3rd anniversary of my 21st birthday”. After I had kids though my celebrations all but stopped other than going out to eat with family. After my parents passed, my concept of birthdays and age in general shifted. My dad passed away when he was 51, and my mom when she was 55. They were both SO young, and it really shaped my concept of age. I can’t help but think when I have a birthday, that I’m well past my prime if I only live as long as they both did. Of course I try to take care of myself and be healthy, but you truly never know what God’s plans are. I decided some time ago that I just have to enjoy each day knowing it could be my last, including those birthdays.

Despite not being able to sleep last night, which has become a common occurance lately, yesterday truly was a wonderful day filled with love from so many people. My principal at work started the morning with Starbucks and Erin Condren (she knows the way to my planner obsessed heart), Tiff’s Treats and Kendra Scott earrings delivered to the school from my sister, and a marvelous Mexican supper with my Granny.The biggest blessing of the whole day though was from my sweet students. They successfully completed a surprise serenade in the hall complete with handmade letters to spell out “Happy Birthday” that had been signed with sweet notes from them. They filled my cup and soothed my soul more than they know with this sweet gesture and their kind words.

These were some of my favorite notes from their birthday surprise:

“Happy Birthday Ms. Hughes! I hope you have an amazing day. You are such a kind soul and have helped me grow so much! Thank you!”

“You are such a beautiful and strong lady. We love you!”

“I hope you know that we love you so much and all that you do to help our school and students! You have worked so hard at what you do!”

It never ceases to amaze me how God gives you exactly what you need, when you need it. I had been dreading yesterday because the thought of celebrating anything right now just seems unattainable. However, in the way He always does, God showed up in big ways to show me that I am loved, appreciated, and not alone. Hopefully 35 will treat me well, but I will continue to live each day to the fullest either way, because I know God’s plans are perfect, and fear is a liar.

In the last month my life has changed forever. There are titles that you get throughout life that are worn as a badge of honor; Wife, Mother, Graduate, Grandmother, Saved. But the title I received a month ago is one I never wanted, that I would never wish on anyone, and one that comes with a heavy weight; Widow.

It is so hard to believe that it has been one month since I lost the love of my life, my partner, soulmate, lover, and best friend. It started like any other day, before I left the house for work I slid my arms around him, he rolled over and smiled, I kissed him and told him I loved him and was headed to work. He told me he loved me and went back to sleep as I walked out the door. Never in a million years did I think that would be the last time I would talk to him. The rest of the day, and really the next few weeks was a blur, other than the devastating blows of telling our kids what happened. The anguish of those conversations, and the despair in our kids faces will never leave me. It’s been a month of tears, prayers, stress, insomnia, zero appetite, meetings on meetings on meetings, phone calls, awkward conversations, reading, journaling and reflection, and a month of firsts with this awful new title of Widow.

The hardest part is not only am I mourning the death of my husband, but also the loss of a daughter. Chris and I had won primary custody of his daughter. Starting just 11 days after his accident, we would have had her with us full time. We were so excited to have our family all together, and more importantly to have what was truly best for her. After all the wins in court, all the battles fought, it all washed away with Chris’s passing, because in Texas step-parents have NO RIGHTS. To make matters worse, her family told ours that they will do whatever they can to make sure Chris’s daughter never sees me or my children again. It was a devastating blow on top of an unimaginable time for me. 

At the ripe “old” age of 34 I have now lost both my parents, and my husband. My children have lost 4 grandparents, a dad, and a sister. I’ve been told more times than I can count, “Erin you’re so strong”, or “Erin you’re the strongest person I know”, which is a truthful, but a double edged statement. Initially I just felt empty, broken, devastated, and wanted to just crumble. However, that is NOT an option. I have four beautiful children to raise and take care of, and a step son and father and law to look out for. Being strong has never been an option, it is simply what’s necessary.

I will have more posts about all the things that have transpired, without a doubt, but for today, I just want to remember Chris. It’s been a month without his voice, his kiss, his laughter, his encouragement, and his love. It has been one of the hardest things I have EVER endured. When my parents passed the book of Job was my go to. As I read all the awful trials and tribulations Job went through it helped me in that moment to be thankful, because I didn’t have it as bad as Job. However, in losing Chris, I realized at this point I FEEL LIKE JOB. I just keep reminding myself that Job never forsakes God, and neither will I. My new unwanted title of Widow is part of my journey for whatever reason, and I know God is good despite the devastation that I am feeling right now.

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I delayed posting about how our Thanksgiving was because I took the full week to fully enjoy time with my family and it was WONDERFUL! It is absolutely amazing what a week “off” will do for a drained counselor, mom, and wife during a pandemic!

We spent the first part of the week going to a multitude of doctors appointments. When you are in education you tend to schedule all of your necessary appointments around school holidays to conserve those sacred time off days. This is especially true for me since I use most if not all of my paid time off taking Zeke to appointments and procedures. The first half of the week was also spent sharing more one on one time with Chris’s daughter and Zeke which is always wonderful. My first husband and I share custody 50/50 with a week on week off rotation, and Thanksgiving week was “his week” by following our rotation, but we agreed long ago to always share holidays so the kids get to see both parents. This is one of the most beautiful parts of co-parenting. I am beyond thankful to have the kind of coparenting relationship that allows us to share the kids in everything.

After the beginning of the week, we spent a couple days at a local lake camping, and it was just what we needed. We took our travel trailer to enjoy the great outdoors, and my Granny brought her travel trailer and set up in the camping spot right next to us. Despite a cold first night, that was warmed by a wonderful campfire with roasting marshmallows, the following days were filled with warmer weather that was perfect for camping. The kids enjoyed fishing, playing in the lake, campfire smores and stories, and nighttime lighted bicycle rides down the hill.

After camping we headed home to start some of our FAVORITE Christmas traditions. Each year the kiddos get a new ornament to add to their collection so that when they grow up they will have a whole collection of ornaments to put on their own tree. I think the most hilarious of the bunch was Kyleigh’s “Sparkle Swirl” which in my honest opinion looked like a sparkly, unicorn, rainbow, poop emoji. I died laughing that she picked that ornament, but I’m hoping it will bring her a good laugh years from now when she pulls it out and has to explain to her family why she picked that ornament. We also had the joy of our Elf Sparkle making her debut after showing up to “quarantine” in a mason jar for two weeks. The kids always love searching for Sparkle first thing in the morning, and they are convinced this year that their elf at our house, and their elf at their dad’s house, Buddy, are conspiring on where to move next.

As a family we ended the packed week with a birthday party for Grace with her ALL of her family; her Dad and his girlfriend, me and Chris, and all of our families. It was wonderful to say the least, and another benefit of the beautiful coparenting relationship that I am so thankful for.

I personally ended the week with a lunch with a dear friend from high school who I hadn’t had the chance to see in person in over 5 years. Even though we were only together for a couple hours, it made my heart so happy to spend time with her, and see how we both have grown so immensely as people. I love her LOVE for people, cultures, and just life. It was so refreshing to spend time with someone who views the world in a similar way to myself, and practices what it means to love people, and to trust your gut instincts. I can’t wait to spend more time with this AMAZING friend.

This Thanksgiving break was so needed. I needed the time with family; I needed to get things done; I needed to refresh my soul; and I needed some time in nature. I am thankful for so many things, but this year I am most thankful for the time with my family!

Have you ever had a week that just seemed like it would never end and couldn’t possibly get any worse? I’m going to be real transparent with y’all, this seems to be one of those weeks for me. It has been a challenging week to say the least. I have dealt with awful things professionally in counseling, I took Zeke for his 5th covid test this year, I am facing custody modification on two fronts with my husband’s daughter this week, and upcoming with Zeke and his dad. On top of it all we had tons of “extra” things this week outside of our normal schedule, and I couldn’t be more ready for Thanksgiving break, time with family, and sleeping in just a little later.

This week professionally was such a challenge. I will say as a school counselor, that covid has brought out so much ugly in our society. Those precious babies who have had school as their “safe place” for so long, are now spending the majority of their time in what could be a scary, non-supportive, loveless home. Along with dealing with issues with my own students and families, I took some classes this week that gave me the staggering statistics of this covid pandemic. Divorces are up, child abuse is up, school attendance is down, cases of suicide is up, drug use in teens is up, and cases of anxiety and depression are up. We are living in such a dark time, and it’s moments like this that I know my job as a counselor is a calling. I’m called to help these kids and families, I’m called to help where I can, I’m called to stand up for those who can’t stand up for themselves, and I’m called to educate, prepare, and help others through these tough situations.

Zeke has a plethora of upcoming appointments in the next month or so, which makes things a little crazy. As someone in education all of our family appointments tend to be scheduled on our school holidays, so we have Thanksgiving break filled with appointments, and Christmas break with a surgery for Zeke. What is beyond frustrating with this, is that Zeke has had to have covid tests before any appointments he has at a particular hospital in Austin. It absolutely broke my heart to have to hold his arms down, and head still, as the doctor did the 5th covid test on my poor sweet boy. The only positive to be seen in this is that Zeke is now taking these tests like a champ. He cries for about 30 seconds, gives the doctor a dirty look, and then goes on his way.

To add to all of that stress this week, tomorrow my husband and I are facing a temporary hearing for custody over our daughter, and tensions are SO high. I am off work and ready for the day, but on edge about what will happen. It has been a VERY rocky road since March when all of this started, but we know that we can provide her the stable home that she needs. To put another iron in the fire, I found out last week that Zeke’s dad is asking for some ludacris things in a custody modification suit, after I filed for him not paying his child support. This of course means I had to retain our lawyer for this case as well, and am now fighting custody battles on two fronts. Parenting is not for the weak, and as overwhelming as this situation is, I am ready to fight for all of my babies to make sure they are safe, loved, and have what is truly in their best interest.

Being the week before break, everything is crazy with school, kids activities, and nursing schedules for Zeke. We had so much extra this week with changes to schedule, changes to our norms, and just in general high emotional needs in all realms. The one thing that was stable and is keeping me sane through this all is the phrase I tell myself all the time. “God’s got this!” I don’t know many times this phrase has kept my head above water, when everything starts crashing down around me. I remind myself often of the story of Job. No matter how many times he was tested, NEVER did he forsake God. Weeks like this I have to remind myself to be like Job, and remember “God’s got this!”

This weekend I had the joy of attending my daughter’s first cheerleading competition of the season. It was her weekend with her Dad, but I was able to take her, and we had some amazing one on one time that doesn’t get to happen very often. We went to San Antonio on Friday night and started our “girls weekend” by enjoying a family favorite of having pizza delivered to the hotel room for supper. Kyleigh and I were both exhausted after a long week, but that time together was so sweet enjoying a yummy pizza in bed before crashing for the evening.

We both woke up early the next morning, excited about the day, and decided to head out for breakfast. My sweet girl requested Cracker Barrel, another vacation favorite, and a Starbucks trip before getting ready for the day. I of course caved to her requests. We enjoyed facetiming her Dad, Step-Mom, and Step-Dad at breakfast, and she eagerly told all the family the plan for the day. After breakfast and coffee we headed back to the hotel to get ready for the big event.

As I worked on putting the finishing touches on Kyleigh’s hair and makeup, I saw not the sweet little girl who had been doing cheer a couple years ago, but a pre-teen beauty who was growing up before my eyes. The little girl who I was glamming up a few years ago, had now transformed into a determined, confident, athlete, who was ready to go out and dominate on the mat at this competition. At that moment I realized that this time is SO precious, and that this competition was bigger than what I had originally imagined. This is the start of a season, and the beginning of a new journey with my sweet girl.

Kyleigh and her team absolutely dominated at the competition, and walked away with not only first place in their division, but as grand champion and high point team out of all the level one teams across the age levels, AND won a bid to a national competition in Las Vegas! They were PHENOMENAL! To top it all off, I was able to zoom in the rest of the family who couldn’t be there so they all got to watch Kyleigh.

We ended our day with lunch on the riverwalk, her pick, and then of course a Buc-ees stop on the way home to get her Step-Mom some chocolate covered peanuts. I ended the weekend exhausted, but with a heart that was overflowing. I can’t wait to see what this season brings, and how many more adventures we have living this chaotic, captivating, crazy, CHEER LIFE!

October is one of my favorite months of the year, because it is dwarfism awareness month! Every October I share a different fact about dwarfism or about Zeke, through social media, to spread awareness, and to educate people about dwarfism. I absolutely love helping others to understand that differences are not something to shy away from, but rather are something to embrace. I urge people to teach their children not to point and stare, but to say “Hi” instead.

One of the things I did, for the first time this year, was to create a shirt for dwarfism awareness. My hope was that it would spread awareness anytime someone wears the shirt, and would let Zeke know that he is LOVED by so many people. I just received the shirts yesterday, and I cannot be more excited to wear it, and to gift them to Zeke’s amazing nurses and teachers. These are the designs I came up with this year, and a big thank you to my amazing neighbor/t-shirt lady/friend for helping make this happen!

Our Halloween wasn’t what I expected, but it was one for the books. We set up to hand out candy, with social distancing in mind, as our street is generally pretty hard hit. We set up our patio chairs for all of us to sit and watch trick-or-treaters stroll up the driveway. We made sure to set up a table with the candy 6 feet away from us, and down the driveway a ways, so that no trick-or-treater had to touch a doorbell, or anything else that might have been touched by others. We made sure we had our soundsystem going with some nice Halloween tunes, and had the carved jack-o-lanterns lit and awaiting the tantalizing and potentially terrifying tiny trick-or-treaters that were sure to arrive.

As we eagerly awaited their arrival, we enjoyed hotdogs, laughter, dancing, and just time together as a family. I had invited my father-in-law, and our oldest son, who we were sure had better things to do, to join us for the evening. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t pleasantly surprised when Christopher texted saying he was on his way, and double checking what time the supper would be ready. As we sat and enjoyed the crisp, cool, fall air we realized fairly quickly that it would likely be a scant year for trick-or-treating. We would have a family show up, and then another maybe 10 minutes later or so. At first I was a little disappointed, but as I sat back waiting for the next group of costumed kiddos to show up, I was thankful.

What I thought I would enjoy this Halloween was the colossal amount of trick-or-treaters, and counting how many of the same princess or superhero costumes we saw, but I was wrong. The joy came this year from a nice quiet evening with family. It was nice to watch our daughter playing, in her LOL Doll costume of course, with the neighbor kid from next door. She eagerly asked “can I PLEASE walk up and down the street with her?”, and it made my heart so happy. Happy to see her so at home with us, happy to see her playing with friends in the neighborhood, and happy to see her so content on our quiet little street. I was also overjoyed to see Zeke running and dancing up and down the driveway. It was such a drastic change from last year, which included Zeke riding in a wagon with an oxygen cart, tubes, and emergency equipment as he trick-or-treated.

Halloween 2020 was not the norm, or what I even thought it would be, but I would dare to say, it couldn’t have been any better. We got to enjoy time together for a homey, healthy, happy Halloween.

Today was my first time to step foot into church since this whole pandemic shut down started back in March. Last weekend was the first time some of the children’s services opened back up, which is what I had been waiting on. I registered us for church early in the week to ensure we had a spot, but even doing so early, Zeke’s class was already full. The big kids were overjoyed as we piled into Big Betty White, our beloved 12 passenger van, and started the drive to church. You could feel their excitement exuding from them as they chattered the entire way there about what activities they would do and who they would see. I drove with anticipation and hope for some sort of a return to normalcy by starting my week with the in-person church service I have been yearning to have for months.

As we parked and all eagerly exited the van my heart was at least for a brief moment feeing full as we walked up to church. However, as we approached the door the new normal hit me like a ton of bricks. The handshakes, hugs, and high fives I love so much from our greeting team had been replaced with mask, muffled hellos, and the question “have you pre-registered?”. I smiled, even though it was hidden by my mask, and said “yes” as I proceeded to scan the QR code in my phone app at the check in kiosk. The kiddos had their temperatures checked as they entered their classrooms, and I made my way to the sanctuary. I was met by an usher who asked “how many in your party”, as if she were the hostess at a restaurant, and then showed me to my socially distant seat for the service. As I settled into my seat, I second guessed if I would actually be able to drink my coffee or not, and then slowly looked around to see if I could see anyone else doing so. I was relieved to see a sweet elderly woman a few rows up remove her mask just long enough to sip her coffee and replace it. I followed suit, then began to look around. I noted the rows which had been moved to double the space in between, the masks worn by all, and the multiple ushers helping people to their seats. I tried not to let the disappointment well up in me as I waited for the service to start.

As the band started up their set I began to feel my walls I had built up start to shake. Despite singing behind a mask, I could feel that familiar feeling of God working on me, as He has done so many times before, through music ministry. I felt the tingles on my arms as I sang louder and raised my hands while singing that joyful noise for the heavens to hear. As we finished and transitioned into the message I pondered if God would do like He has done over and over again, and have a message built to speak directly to my soul; the answer was quick. Today’s message was based on a passage from Psalms about darkness and knowing God is there through the darkness. It couldn’t have been a more timely message, and as has been true so many times before, was exactly what I needed to hear today.

My take a away from today was that although going back to church today wasn’t exactly the return to normalcy that I had hoped for; it was exactly what I needed. I left church feeling refreshed, renewed, and ready to tackle this week, and the darkness that will surely be lingering around, with a better attitude and appreciation for the new normal.