Fear is a Liar

Today is never an easy day and if I’m honest with myself I can feel the tension and emotions building up in me a week or so leading up to March 31st. I can tell that I get more easily irritated, my emotions are usually all over the place, and my forgetfulness jumps to a whole new level. Today marks 4 years since my mom went to her heavenly home, and not a day goes by that I don’t miss her. I miss her contagious smile, her constantly positive perspective, and even how she would use her teacher voice with me.

For those who might not know her story, my mom was diagnosed with colon cancer at the end of January 2017 after a couple months of just not feeling well and thinking she was having gallbladder issues that inevitably led to surgery. She was a generally healthy and active person prior to this. To put it in perspective, she had participated in a half marathon in December before her diagnosis, and although she didn’t feel well enough to finish, she still finished a big portion of it. After continuing to feel worse, and having to deal with a wound vac from the gall bladder surgery that was not really the main issue, she had some more testing done and received the diagnosis; stage 4 colon cancer. I was beside myself at this point because this is never something you want to hear. My mom continued to go downhill at an alarmingly rapid rate, and never left the hospital until she was sent home with hospice. She passed away at home on March 31, 2017 only 2 short months after her initial diagnosis at 55 years young.

I was not prepared at all for mom to be gone so quickly, nor was I prepared to have both of my parents gone after losing dad 5 years prior. I was pregnant with Zeke when mom passed, and had no idea what was to come with his diagnosis. The time after she passed is seriously a bit of a blur and a nightmare rolled into one. I was dealing with pregnancy, a newborn with a genetic condition, a failing marriage, the loss of Mom, and now an estate. My sister was my rock through this stage, and I would have never been able to do it with her. Kendra and I spent hours on hours going through things at mom’s house. Not only was it all of her things, but all of dad’s which she hadn’t parted with, and many of grandma’s things as well that she had received after she passed. We weren’t dealing with one estate, we were dealing with three peoples belongings. Kendra and I have both had nightmares about going through all the things, and both vowed to each other that we will have all of our things in order for when we pass, AND live minimalistically when it comes to “stuff”. As difficult as this time was, it shaped both my sister and I, and this chapter closed officially this week. After four years we were finally able to completely close mom’s accounts and estate. It was a bittersweet moment; relief that it was finished, but a stark reminder of the finality of things especially nearing the anniversary of mom’s passing.

As I have mentioned before, the loss of both of my parents in their 50’s has really shaped my perspective on age, and living each day to the fullest. If I only live as long as they did, I am already well past my prime, so I try to make sure I live each day for the day it is, and try to savor each moment. I wear my heart on my sleeve much of the time, I tell people what I think and how I feel, I let those around me know that I love them and appreciate them, and I am quick to forgive. Life is simply too short to live it any other way. I actually have a tattoo of an hourglass as part of my sleeve to remind me of exactly that; our time is limited here on Earth, and I need to live life to the fullest. Mom was such a BIG personality who is greatly missed by all who knew her. I know she is rejoicing to be in her heavenly home and back in the arms of my dad. I will hold tight to the promise that I will see her again, and I only hope that I am making her proud!

Chattanooga Tennessee Trip – Day 2

I was excited for today, because I was going to see the view that made me want to come here in the first place. From the moment I saw Lover’s Leap on Pinterest I was sold. Today’s schedule included the incline railway, Ruby Falls, and Rock City, all a part of Lookout Mountain.

I slept in until 8, which is WAY later than my normal, and headed out to the incline railway. This thing intrigued me from the moment I learned of its existence. It is a custom made train car pulled by two cables up the side of Lookout Mountain at a 72.2% incline at its steepest point! It is the steepest incline railway in the nation, and takes you up the mountain in less than 10 minutes. Not only do you get amazing views from the top, but it is also the location of the Battle of Lookout Mountain during the Civil War, so my history loving heart loved learning more.

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After the ride on the incline I headed to downtown Chattanooga for brunch at another highly recommend place called Ruby Sunshine. I was excited to luck into curbside parking, since it was the first time that had happened this trip. While their mimosas had been given rave reviews, I opted for coffee, since coffee is life, but did order the candied bacon appetizer that was also highly recommended. Can you ever go wrong with candied bacon? For my main dish it was biscuits and sausage gravy; if you know me, you know this is my favorite breakfast food. It was all divine, and filled me up for the day’s activities. If you’re in Chattanooga I highly recommend it!

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After brunch I headed to Ruby Falls to do a walking cave tour. I have loved caves since I was a little girl thanks to Carter Caves in Kentucky, and I was not going to pass on the opportunity to see not only caves, but a cave with a waterfall inside. I failed to mention that Ruby Falls is located 1,120 feet below Lookout Mountain. Ruby Falls is also home to the deepest and tallest underground waterfall in the US that is open to the public. I’ve been to plenty of caves in my life, but Ruby Falls is a must see.

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I saved Rock City for last, since Lover’s Leap had been my inspiration for this trip. As I traveled up Lookout Mountain, and into Georgia to my surprise, I enjoyed the beautiful views as I made it to Rock City. Rock City is located on the top of Lookout Mountain, and boasts massive ancient rock formations, gardens with over 400 native plant species, and breathtaking views. As “basic” as it is, I was overjoyed to see a Starbucks at the top of the mountain. More coffee was necessary before starting the second guided tour. I was not as enthusiastic however about the large crowds. There was a plethora of people there to tour Rock City, and after my secluded hikes yesterday, I wasn’t quite prepared to be in a place so populated. I hoped that the view of Lover’s Leap would make up for it though. I wasn’t disappointed; while there were plenty of unique, quirky, beautiful things to view during the walk through Rock City Gardens, Lover’s Leap took the cake for me. It was all that I had built it up to be from the moment it inspired this trip.

Lover’s Leap

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The final stop for the day was for dinner at HiFi Clyde’s, another recommended downtown Chattanooga eatery. Clyde’s is a collegial honky-tonk with a retro vibe & BBQ bites, plus ping pong/shuffleboard tables & live music. My waiter Brian was so flirty, but must have just wanted a good tip, because he asked to see my ID when I ordered the famous “hunch punch jungle juice”. This was almost laughable since this momma of four looks well over 21, and every bit of my 35 years. I ordered the smoked Cubano sandwich, that included their pulled pork, with sweet potato fries. It was perfection! The sweet potato fries had a salty and sweet seasoning on them that really made them amazing.

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I made my way back to the hotel to pack up my things for my early flight, and I couldn’t help but smile as I heard “Give Heaven Some Hell” come on the radio for probably the 20th time in the past two days. This is one of the songs I played at Chris’s service, and I can’t help but feel like he’s with me when it comes on. It has literally came on the radio every time I got in the car from the start of this trip with the drive to the airport.

As I soaked in the bathtub at the hotel, a rare occurrence for me, I thought about what my take aways are from this trip, other than the beautiful views and memories. The first is that I learned a new word today that might just be my new favorite self descriptor. A friend of mine called me solivagant today when commenting on my travels. Solivagant is a word used to describe “someone who wanders or travels the world alone; a solitary adventurer”. Isn’t that a cool word and a perfect descriptor? The second is that I am beyond capable of continuing to chase adventures on my own. I know full well that I’m independent, able bodied, and stubborn, all of which have been super beneficial to me, but it takes more than that to travel alone. It takes a certain mindset that I honestly wasn’t sure I had at this juncture. It took booking this trip, having faith, and traversing the country despite my fears to realize that, as usual, they were unfounded. I didn’t need to fear traveling alone, all I need to fear is missing an opportunity. Missing an opportunity to say yes to adventure, missing an opportunity to see God’s power in beautiful new places, and missing the opportunity to find myself through new situations.

Chattanooga, Tennessee Trip – Day 1

Anyone who knows me knows that I love a good adventure and that I am ALWAYS on the go; it’s either a weekend day trip to somewhere fun, a family vacation, camping, or a trip somewhere for kids activities. I can’t forget my kids all time favorite, our annual trip to Kentucky for our family reunion. To put it in perspective, Zeke traveled through 9 states by the time he reached 3 months old!

Despite all the family travel, Chris and I had made a habit of going on adventures just him and I, at least a couple times a year. My schedule working in education, and Chris’s as a campus officer left us wide open for trips during spring break, summer, Thanksgiving, or Christmas break. We were never gone for more than 3 days or so, but it was always so fun. In our short two years we traveled to Las Vegas; Roswell & Ruidoso, New Mexico; Eureka Springs, Arkansas; and countless other places in Texas. We found a love for hiking along the way and loved the peace that the mountains brought to us. After visiting Hawksbill Crag we were so blown away by the beauty that we decided the mountains were where we wanted to retire.

After losing Chris I promised myself that I wouldn’t stop going on adventures just because I would be doing it solo. Chris and I had planned on going somewhere during spring break, but hadn’t yet pinned down a location yet before he passed. I knew that going somewhere during spring break alone was going to be somewhat of a right of passage for me, and something I absolutely needed to do. This was a little daunting considering I had only taken one flight alone ever before, and it was literally just a transfer flight from Houston to Austin after a trip to DC with students. I knew though that I needed to go somewhere not only to prove to myself that I CAN do this alone, but also to make sure I foster that spirit of adventure, feed my gypsy soul, and give myself that time to reflect and heal.

I put off booking something as long as humanly possible; in the counseling world we call this avoidance. I was avoiding confronting the inevitable emotions that would come from making a decision on where to go alone, booking a flight for one instead of two, and making dinner reservations for one. Of course when I finally mustered up the energy to deal with those emotions, it was the week before spring break, I was working with limited available days to travel, a limited budget, and of course was at the mercy of the airlines. After searching my Pinterest boards of places I wanted to go hike, I narrowed it down to three places; Sedona, Arizona; Joshua Tree Park, California; and Chattanooga, Tennessee. The flights and budget only lined up perfectly for one choice … I was going to be Chattanooga bound.

Chattanooga was on my “to travel” list because of the beautiful views and hikes. I could probably spend an entire week or more hiking Tennessee if I went to all the places on my list. For this trip though, since it was just two days, I picked to go to Greeter Falls, which is about an hour from Chattanooga, Foster Falls, and Look Out Mountain. I booked the airport parking, flight, hotel, rental car, bought tickets for the incline railway, Ruby Falls caves, and made reservations for dinner and drinks at a local favorite. I managed to show up ON TIME (go ahead and gasp), to the airport and made it to IAH in Houston at the crack of dawn. The flight to Atlanta was seamless, but then came the connecting flight.

I arrived at Atlanta, pulled up the airport map on my Delta app, end quickly scurried to my departure gate. There was only 30 minutes from landing to take off so I knew I needed to hurry. I got to the gate to find there was a slight delay in my connecting flight from Atlanta to Chattanooga. After finally boarding , on this much smaller plane, I found I was sitting right next to someone, which was secretly what I was hoping wouldn’t happen. As I tried to turn on my music to zone out I realized quickly that wouldn’t be happening. I was sitting next to a talkative man in his 40’s who was a pilot, originally from Cuba who talked to me the entire flight. He told me all the things, including asking if I was married, to which I replied “recently widowed”, and then he promptly asked if I was considering dating again. I was caught off guard to say the least. Not that this is the first person to ask me if I will date, or even to go on a date, since Chris’s passing, but the first total random stranger. It always surprises me at how quick those questions come, and how as a society we don’t put an emphasis on giving people time to grieve without an imaginary societal view of a 3 month window being the appropriate time to grieve the loss of a spouse. I was happy to tell him bye as I quickly exited the plane in Chattanooga.

After arriving to Chattanooga I picked up my rental car and immediately headed out to hike. I hiked Greeter Falls first which is about an hour and twenty minute drive from Chattanooga. In my hike there I saw beautiful waterfalls and trails. Some were intermediate, mainly due to the recent rains, but most were beginner. This trail is magical to say the least. Part of the trail includes a spiral staircase on the descent to the bottom of the falls.

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After I left Greeter Falls I headed to Foster Falls which was about a 30 minute drive. I was thankful I went there second, because the hike there is steep, but short, if you are just traveling to the bottom of the falls, and my body was definitely feeling my previous hike. Foster Falls was absolutely breathtaking. In the summer people swim in the area beneath the falls, but it was definitely not possible this trip due both to temperature and a high river warning.

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After Foster Falls I headed to check into the hotel and clean up for my evening reservation at Stir. In my research of places to try in downtown Chattanooga it was highly recommended. It is an industrial-chic oyster bar that is known for its craft cocktails and delicious food. It did not disappoint and was a great end to my first day of adventuring.

As I sat alone at my table I soaked up the chance to reflect on the day and how far I have come. There was a time in my life, in my early twenties, when I hated eating out alone. I literally refused to do it and would eat in my car before sitting at a restaurant by myself. As I learned to love myself more after divorces, life experiences, and lots of counseling, I grew to love the solitude of eating alone. I vividly remember a conversation with Chris one night, in our 2 month period at the beginning of our relationship that involved simply sitting on my porch, drinking coffee, and talking. He had asked if I had considered dating anyone, or if I just wanted to be single. We had both already expressed that getting married again was off the table for both of us. Doesn’t God have a great sense of humor? My response to him on dating was “I know what I bring to the table, and I’m comfortable eating alone”. He seemed a little blown away by my forwardness, but I explained that I know my value, I know what I stand for and believe in, and I will not deviate. I still stand by these words and I truly mean every one of them. If I’m eating alone from here on out I’m ok with that. I am loved, I know with whom my value lies, and I will use that time alone to be thankful for all that God has provided for me. I will continue to soak up the solitude and savor those moments.

According to Urban Dictionary ink therapy is “The action of being tattooed to achieve a therapeutic release.” Yesterday I was definitely due for some ink therapy. It had been two years since I completed my half sleeve, and I have been itching to start on completing the rest of my sleeve. It seemed fitting that the date my artist was able to get me in was on the 3 month anniversary of losing my love, since this session included a memorial piece for Chris.

I had already been planning how to finish out my sleeve for the past six months or so. I had been pinning all my ideas to my tattoo board on Pinterest, and one of the pieces I had decided on, prior to losing Chris, was a cute little cabin in the mountains. This was a nod to our retirement plans of living in the mountains, off the grid, in a remote cabin only to be found by those we wanted to find us.

After Chris passed I knew I wanted to work this into a memorial piece for him. After thinking and searching, I fell in love with a cute set of postcards with a cabin in the mountains on one side, and a message on the other side saying “Wish you were here”. In the address section I added Chris’s name and the date he went to his heavenly home. Of course the rest of the sleeve has many other meaningful pieces as well, that I promise I will share as soon as it is all completed. Today was mainly outlines and the beginning of color on a few pieces. I’ll be back to finish it out in a couple of weeks.

Chris had sat with me, holding my hand, bringing me food, and just keeping me company, through most of the almost 20 hours of tattooing, over three sessions, that it took to complete the upper half sleeve. My artist Audrey remembered him well and truly made this memorial piece come to life and created exactly what I envisioned. Audrey has a true gift for her craft of tattooing. She can take my ideas and weave them together into such a beautiful piece of art. For the most part I tell her what I want and then she creates it, I approve the placement, and then the rest of the magic is all her. She picks all my colors and her work is never short of amazing.

I was at Arsenal for 8 hours yesterday as Audrey started the magic of completing my sleeve. It was definitely different this time not having someone by my side to hold my hand, joke around, and fill the conversation with infinite pop culture references. Yesterday’s session was much more quite as I spent a lot of the time in deep thought about how much my life has changed in the last 2 years since the last time I was there. My heart was full as I thought about all the adventures, laughter, and love that we shared in that time. I also thought about the future; what my retirement might look like now; what the future will hold; and about my next adventure, which I fly out to today.

I could easily choose to succumb to the fear of traversing the things we previously did together, the adventures, and the future plans alone, BUT I REFUSE. I refuse to be fearful because although I definitely don’t know what’s to come in the future, I know without a doubt who does. I know that God’s plans are perfect, and fear is a liar.

One of my favorite things about mine and my children’s school is our motto “Others Before Self” and how the charter truly lives this motto. Each year every student, grades K-12, participate in a service learning project called the Others Before Self, or OBS Project. Each grade level brainstorms, presents, votes on, plans, and executes a grade level OBS project each year. This year Kyleigh’s 4th grade OBS project blew me away.

The 4th grade class chose cancer awareness as their theme for the project, and wanted to create a way for our campus to spread awareness, show love for those families affected by cancer, and more importantly love on and show support for a 7th grade student on our campus who is currently battling bone cancer. Not only did they pick a wonderful cause that hits home for so many people, but they also came up with an amazing plan for execution.

They planned to have the 4th grade wear a different color of socks each day for a week to represent the different types of cancer, to get donations for a gift basket for our 7th grader with bone cancer, and create a slideshow to be played on Friday that has pictures of family members that have been affected by cancer. They also planned a school wide day to wear purple in support of our 7th grader with bone cancer. They came up with the hashtag #ILTexasPurpleFriday to use on social media, and even contacted our local news station for coverage. Seeing everyone in purple on Friday including myself and my students was truly amazing.

One of the most touching things that their OBS project did was give students the chance to see those affected in their school and love them through it. For me the best way they did this was through the slide show they created and showed on Friday to recognize those family members they love that have succumbed to, or survived cancer. Unfortunately, my sweet children have had more than their fair share of family member experience cancer on both sides of the family. These are all their family members that were recognized.

This project is so beautiful because it is truly how we are meant to live life, by putting “Others Before Self”. My children don’t attend a Christian school, but this is totally a Christian value, and I am beyond thankful that my children attend here, and that it’s where I am blessed to work.God shows us time and time again throughout the bible of how we are called to live this motto out. My favorite verse in regards to this is “Love your neighbor as yourself” Matthew 22:39. We are called to love our neighbors, every single one of them; not just the ones that look like us, not just the ones that believe what we believe, and not just the ones that live their lives in the same way we do. This is really the definition of putting others before self, loving them even when they aren’t just like us. We have to remember that “God gave us a spirit not of fear, but of power and love and self-control” 2 Timothy 1:7, We need to JUST LOVE OUR NEIGHBORS and know that FEAR IS A LIAR!

Please visit the story ran by KBTX.

https://www.kbtx.com/app/2021/03/11/these-students-hope-youll-wear-purple-on-friday-to-raise-cancer-awareness/

I’d be lying if I said today didn’t suck. I wish there was a better descriptor for today, but unfortunately, there just isn’t. Today was one of those days that started off just fine, but quickly turned into a “what in the world is going on” kind of day. This morning I woke up at 6:30am which is pretty normal for me even on a Saturday. I got some housework done early, went and got feed for the chickens, and then got Zeke ready to go for a visit with his dad. I asked Zeke if he was going to see his dad today and he audibly said “yeah”, shook his head yes, and said “yeah” again. It was seriously so sweet. Zeke’s dad and I have recently come to an agreement with visitations and he is now getting longer visits with Zeke every other weekend. Today Zeke audibly called his dad “dad” for the first time when he came to pick him up. It was such a bittersweet moment. Zeke still points at pictures of Chris and calls him “Dada” when I talk to Zeke about Chris, but this was the first time I had heard Zeke call Josh “dad”. I’m thankful that he is building that relationship with his dad since Chris isn’t here to fill that daily roll anymore.

After Zeke left for his visit with his dad, I headed to Spring to take Lucy to be rehomed with Brittany, Chris’s best friend Cory’s daughter. Lucy has struggled with Mo. Mo wants to play with Lucy and Rose, and they want absolutely NO part of it. This morning Lucy literally bit at Mo and started barking at her when she tried to play with her. It has been a struggle with trying to get the little dogs to adjust with Mo. While I knew that this is the best possible situation for Lucy, it was still hard to take her to live with someone else since I had agreed to take Lucy from Chris’s dad since he didn’t want to care for her anymore. When I arrived to Brittany’s house I was greeted at the door by sweet Lainee who had no idea I was bringing Lucy, just that Aunt Erin was coming by. She was so excited to see that I was there to bring Lucy which made it all ok.

After I left Brittany’s I headed to Cory and Tina’s for a bit. It is always good to see them. It reminds me of all the wonderful times I had with them, and with Chris, and makes me thankful for the family that I have with them even though Chris is gone. I am beyond blessed to have an extended family with their family. As someone who has lost so many people, it is such a blessing to have them love me and keep me around. It was so good to have that time with them since I hadn’t been able to hang out with them for almost a month due to my schedule being so chaotic lately.

As I headed home, I received a text that I was NOT expecting. Apparently Chris’s ex had made a post on Facebook about how I wasn’t giving his daughter her belongings. This completely caught me off guard since I haven’t spoken to them at all, nor has any requests been made to my knowledge. I reached out and was given a list of things that his ex was requesting and claims she had sent to my family law attorney. I haven’t heard anything from the family law attorney about it, although he isn’t the attorney handling the estate. Some of the things on the list were things I had personally purchased and some I’m still currently paying for, some were destroyed in his accident, and others were just material items such as toys. I reached out to both my family law and estate attorney’s to see how to proceed. As I told his ex, I’m happy to give her things that are rightfully her daughter’s, and had I been asked personally, they would have already been given. Unfortunately with an estate with no will, there are SO many things that have to be handled through the estate attorney, and can’t be just given without approval by a judge. The big takeaway from this situation was that his ex asked that Chris’s daughter’s name and photos be taken off of my blog which I have spent quite some time tonight making sure has happened, so if you see changes to the page, please know that is the precipitating factor. I have no problem complying with these requests, because it is truly just how I feel like you should respond to a request as a decent human being. I am saddened that I have been portrayed as a “greedy b*tch” by people who don’t even know me. Not once have I ever taken anything from my stepdaughter, and I have tried over and over again to look out for what is best for her and to try to make sure she gets anything she possibly can, to only be met by “contact my lawyer” or false accusations by friends of the ex with statements like “all the court orders died along with Chris”. I am an independent woman who is self-sufficient financially and doens’t need a man to be able to make it. I have a great job, have invested well, and have multiple income revenues. It hurts to be degraded by people who don’t even know me, and literally live states away.

My personal growth for today is knowing my own value and worth, and knowing that my value is in my relationship with God and not in what other say of me. It doesn’t matter to me what false accusations people claim, or if they call me an “un-Christian and selfish” person. They are absolutely right when they say “someday you’ll have to answer to God about it”. I absolutely will, and SO WILL THEY. I live this life as God calls me to. We all fail, we all sin, and God loves us regardless; we just have to ask for forgiveness and turn away from those sins. The difference is, I truly have a relationship with God. I walk with and talk with Him daily. I know when I enter heaven He will look at me and say “Well done, good and faithful servant” and not “I never knew you”.

When I got back to College Station I got a fresh haircut, enjoyed some Starbucks, and shook off all of the negative vibes that had been thrown my way today on this “Sucky Saturday” with the request for these material goods that I don’t want or need. I have no room in my life to fear what others are saying about me, to fear what posts have been made on social media, or to fear what tomorrow will bring. Fear is a liar, because God is good, and His plans are perfect!

I think I put myself on every waitlist in the Brazos Valley to get the covid vaccination. I stated that I’m an educator and that my son is medically complex, has nursing at home, and that it is important for me to be vaccinated as his caregiver. I was told a few times that I didn’t qualify. However, today I claimed victory through a vaccination!

I was approved for vaccination a couple weeks ago, but between vaccine shortages, and the snowpocalypse, my appointment had been rescheduled twice. I was apprehensive about whether or not getting the vaccine would actually come to fruition today. I made sure I filled out the appropriate paperwork, showed up early for my appointment, and had everything I needed in hopes that it would, and that I hadn’t squandered my lunch break in vain. Much to my surprise not only was I successful in getting the vaccine, but they had the hub at the Brazos Center running like a well oiled machine and had me in and out much quicker than I had anticipated.

As I sat after the vaccine waiting out my 10-15 minutes to make sure I didn’t have a reaction, I sighed a huge sigh of relief. Getting this vaccine means that I can do my best to keep Zeke safe, my big kids safe, and my students and coworkers safe. My arm is definitely sore tonight, but it is worth it to not fear bringing home this awful pandemic to my household!

What a weekend! I took my motorcycle safety and license course this weekend through The Ranch Harley Davidson. Chris and I absolutely loved going on motorcycle rides. There is something SO calming about feeling the sun on you, the wind in your face, smelling the smells of the great outdoors, and seeing the beautiful sights that just calms the soul. Even a road that would be mundane to travel in a vehicle can be wonderful on a motorcycle. Chris and my favorite short trip was taking 908 to Rockdale and either eating supper at Corona’s or getting a drink at DQ and then enjoying the ride home. Even though we loved the short drive, we traveled to Austin and Houston often on the motorcycle as well. I will never forget how excited I was the first time I got to give the official “motorcyle wave” when we passed another bike on the road.

Chris and I bought our motorcycle together last year, after a lot of research on what type of bike would be best for a 6’ tall passenger like myself, and would meet all of Chris’s requirements. We settled for a Suzuki Boulevard. The particular one we wanted wasn’t in production anymore and there was one new one left in the state, and we were determined to make it happen. It was our first big purchase together as a married couple and was so important to us. Chris named all his vehicles and gave me the honor of naming the new motorcycle. I settled on Stella after almost a week of throwing around different names. The only thing Stella didn’t have was a sissy bar for me. After the dealership looked for over a month and couldn’t find one they advised us to have one custom made. My grandfather Charles was so awesome and welded one custom for us.

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I had been planning on taking this class for over a year, and had even started the online portion last year, but never actually signed up to take the class. I wanted to last summer, but just got busy, and the classes that were on weekends I had available filled up too quickly. Fast forward to now, and I am in a situation where I needed to get my license. I have our beautiful Stella, and no way to take her for a ride, plus the registration was due this month. It was time to buckle down and get it done. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous going into it.

I arrived to the class on Friday night at the Harley dealership, in my 12 passenger van Big Betty White, and could see the interest peaked as I walked inside. I told them I was here for the class, and they walked me on back. As I sat down in the class I quickly realized that I am the OLDEST person in the class, the ONLY female, and the only person with ZERO experience. I was intimidated to say the least. Thankfully I passed the written test the first night and would be able to move on to driving the next day. I was still nervous as we started Saturday morning along with freezing cold, but our instructor was so awesome, patient, and safety focused that he made the class fly by. I finished the first day of actual driving feeling confident and excited, and honestly surprised by my skills, plus I managed the cold by driving in my ski pants which was a sight. The last day of class we finished up skills and took the final riding evaluation. I was SO nervous, especially about u-turns, because they were the most difficult for me during the training. I was so fearful of screwing it up, and fearful of failing, but Fear is a Liar. I PASSED!!

This was such a great experience and truly an empowering moment for me. It reminded me that I CAN do this. It might not be easy, I might have a learning curve, but I can continue to enjoy the ride, even if it’s alone, and be the tattooed motorcycle mamma I love being!

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Where do I even start with this unprecedented snowpocalypse that Texas is going through right now? It’s been below freezing for days, we have snow, ice, power outages, water shortages, and to top it all of this morning I officially reached the anger stage of grief.

This isn’t to say I have been calm all week because Lord knows I have been on edge. I started this snowpocalypse with a nurse calling in for the three nights they were scheduled this week, which looked like I might have to be up for 120 hours straight caring for Zeke with virtual learning happening during the day. However, God provided not only a nurse who was willing to not only pick up the shifts, but also make the drive to Caldwell from Brenham. God also provided by having our school close completely through today. I’m still waiting to hear what will happen tomorrow and Friday.

My second, I’m going to lose it moment, happened when the power went off. I had ran our generator recently, but of course when the power went out, I couldn’t get it to start. Our day nurse, as he has on more than one occasion, came in like Mr. Fix it and got it to start right up. The generator is great to run Zeke’s equipment and the heater for his room, but it can’t run the whole house or anything like that. What set me off was the lack of notice provided by the city, or the emergency management office for Burleson county. I literally got what information I could about the rolling blackouts from social media. I have filed the appropriate paperwork to be notified in these situations since Zeke’s health depends on these machines. His nighttime breathing machine has NO BATTERY BACKUP and requires power. If we have people whose job is literally to make sure we are safe and notified in emergencies, then why was there no notification?!

Warmth. Something you take for granted in Texas since it’s normally sweltering. However, having to go out to start the generator back up every 45 minutes, in freezing weather makes you frigid. I realized I was low on wood for the fireplace. The irony in this is that during the last snow storm I lost an entire tree due to snow, and it’s all been cut up for wood, BUT isn’t dry enough yet. Thankfully I have amazing neighbors who brought me wood, and a wonderful father in law that was happy for me to get the wood Chris had chopped off his porch.

Driving in a snowpocalypse also caused me to get angry. I had to take some essentials to my kids in Somerville, get more gas for the generator, and pick up the previously mentioned wood from Dad’s. I drive a HUGE Nissan 12 passenger van. It isn’t 4 wheel drive, but it’s massive. I wasn’t too worried about my drive because I’m super cautious and my tank tends to traverse all kinds of things better than most vehicles. While out and about on the road though, I had people passing me! Like changing lanes into on coming traffics on snowy roads because I wasn’t going fast enough for them. My mind was blown. I also had a guy, who almost hit not only me, but also a gas pump, look annoyed when I gave him the what is wrong with you look. This is Texas. We don’t generally now how to drive in this white stuff, so if you don’t know how to, just stay home!!

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Today though took the cake and sent me over the anger edge. I woke up to my oldest son’s room having water leaking from the ceiling. The floor is soaked as well as several pieces of furniture and electronics. I knew immediately what was wrong. His room was built as a sun room addition to the house. It has SINGLE pane windows covering two complete walls, very little insulation, and a roof that doesn’t have near as much slope as it should. The piles of ice and snow, on top of the roof, had nowhere to go as they started to melt and compact. I knew my only option was to get it all off the roof. I bundled up in my ski gear, got out the ladder, snow shovel, and broom and climbed on top of the roof. I’m sure you are wondering why I have a snow shovel, which is a great question; I usually use it for leaves thanks to the size of it. As I got to the top of the roof and started shoveling, the anger set in as grief reared it’s ugly head. I kept saying to myself “I shouldn’t be having to do this alone”, “Chris would have found a better way to do this”, “Chris would have done something different to prevent this from happening all together”, “Why wasn’t I more prepared? Chris would have been”. As I worked on that roof for 3 HOURS cussing the snow, asking ALL the questions, and being angry that I was having to do this alone, I realized that I was having all these feelings because of grief. I’m angry that Chris wasn’t there to help, angry I was having to do it myself, and angry that my love wasn’t there to support me through this.

After climbing down from the roof I literally took an hour long bath to warm up and to let my mind calm from all that anger. In that hour I realized several things. The first, is that although this weather is NOT normal, this anger stage of grief IS. Today has been 2 months since I lost my soulmate, lover, best friend, and better half. It is completely normal for me to be angry, and have all kinds of emotions right now. I also realized that I am not alone. As I climbed off the roof I had a friend call me to let me know that she was headed to Walmart and Brookshire’s and to see if I needed anything. I also have my amazing friend and neighbor Kelsey who brought the wood, and multiple other neighbors who offered to send their husbands to help with the generator or to get gas for it if I needed it. I’ve also had my entire team of coworkers checking on me to make sure I’m ok. The last realization was something I already knew but needed to be reminded of. I was raised to be fiercely independent. Not all women would have had the gumption, to get up on that roof and clear it. I might not like that I’m a single mom and widow, but God clearly equipped me for this journey to be so independent and able bodied.

My bath didn’t fix it all but it put things into perspective. No, I don’t know if my motorcycle license class for this weekend is on or off or if I’ll even have nursing coverage to attend without losing my money; no I don’t know what school will be for the rest of the week; no I don’t know if Kenner’s room is a loss or salvageable, or if I should just call insurance; no I don’t know when this grief will be more manageable; and no I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, other than more intolerable temperatures. BUT what I do know is that God is good, His plans are perfect, and this too shall pass.

Enjoy the snowpocalypse pictures. You HOPEFULLY won’t see them again for a long time!

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After my grief induced meltdown last Sunday for the Super Bowl, I really wasn’t sure if this weekend would be awful or ok. I was nervous that grief would rear its ugly head this weekend while I had the kids. Thankfully though, this weekend has had enough variety of random, rambunctious, and radical things happen, that the grief stayed away.

I knew I wanted to do something for my kids, so I started the weekend by picking up cookies from my favorite cookie lady and amazing friend. Leah seriously makes the best cookies ever, but is an even better friend to me. I came to pick them up and ended up staying for a couple hours hanging out with her and some friends while our kids ran rambunctiously around the house playing. Although, I ended the evening feeling SO old, I came to the realization that I’ve lived a lot of life in my 35 years, and experienced a wide variety of things. I joke frequently and say that I’ve lived enough life for three people, but in all reality that’s true; and not necessarily a bad thing.

The next day I knew I needed to run some errands, but they ended up taking a much larger portion of my day than I expected. I did decide to treat myself with some flowers. I started doing this after my second divorce. I had a divorce bucket list, which I’ll have to share later, but one of the things on the bucket list was to buy yourself flowers. I did that at least once a month the year after that divorce when I was finding myself. Sam’s Club is always my go to for inexpensive beautiful flowers. I have picked up the habit again and thought Valentine’s was a great time to buy myself some. Putting them in the living room made me smile to see them so beautiful sitting there.

Later that afternoon one of my sweet friends randomly texted me to see if I would be home for her to drop something off. By the time I finally made it home, it was much later in the day than I anticipated being home, but Sumar came by when I got back into town. She brought all of my kiddos Valentine’s goodie bags with sweets and a ballon for each of them. She had a gift for me as well, which I was not expecting. She had got me a beautiful James Avery necklace that was a pair of wings. I was already emotional when I saw it, but then she told me to flip it over. On the back she had engraved “Chris” with a heart and “#serendipity”, which had been the hashtag I used in all our silly social media posts. I cried like a baby when I read it, but they were such good tears. My oldest son immediately asked if I was ok. I could tell he was concerned and I told him they were happy tears from such good memories in such a sweet gift.

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The weekend has ended with completely radical weather for Texas. We are literally hunkered down for the snowpocalyps 2021. This Texas blizzard is supposed to bring anywhere between 3-9 inches of snow in the next 24 hours. Schools have gone virtual, people are sliding off roads, and they are even suggesting to limit your electricity usage due to a strain on the power grid! The low is in the single digits tomorrow which hasn’t happened in this part of Texas since the early 80’s. The big kids dad and I decided it was better to take them to his house today than to try and wait until tomorrow, since it seems that the roads will likely be impassable. My van looked like it had been through some crazy ice storm by the time I made it back home. Check on your Texas friends. We are not ok with this weather.

The storm has also left me with no nurse tonight for Zeke, which means a long night of checking on him. There is no rest for the weary when it comes to a medically complex child. The fear of losing power is a real thing when it comes to all of Zeke’s medical equipment. I started the generator today to make sure it was working fine just in case we were to lose power due to the snow and ice. I have learned with Zeke that although fear is definitely a liar, it has caused me to be more prepared in these specific instances when it comes to Zeke. That preparation helps me to remember that I don’t need to fear, God has this, has prepared the way for it, and that I need to just keep calm, and enjoy this crazy Texas snow!