Fear is a Liar

Saturday – Swamp, Sips, and Aggie Success

I went to bed Friday night with full intentions of waking up to run my scheduled 5 miles for the half marathon training in the morning, but it didn’t happen. I must have needed the sleep because I slept until almost 8:00 which is super late for me. this put me behind schedule a bit and had me double check the ferry times for Cumberland Island which is where I thought I was going today. Boy am I glad I did. Turns out the ferry times were different than what I saw when I originally planned the trip, and if I went there I would have had to stay on the island all day which wasn’t what I necessarily wanted. I opted instead to go to the Okefenokee Swamp, and I’m SO glad I did.

The Okefenokee Swamp was more beautiful than I could have ever imagined today. I started with the guided riverboat tour and ended the visit with a walk down the boardwalk to the observation deck. The riverboat tour was an hour and a half long and provided plenty of time for me to enjoy the views as well as have some solitude for thoughts. One thing that stood out to me on this journey was all the beautiful Spanish Moss. It was something my dad really loved and made me feel a bit closer to him.

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After the swamp, I headed back to my rental to rest before heading back to Jacksonville for the evening. I tried out Louie’s Cantina and was in for a pleasant surprise! I ordered queso, the surf and turf taco, and elotes, along with a raspberry margarita on the rocks. It was all SO delicious. This margarita far surpassed the previous night’s. The best part by far about Louie’s was that as I sat down at the bar and started looking at the menu, something caught my eye on the TV at the other end of the bar. It was a crowd of fans waving white towels. I had hit the jackpot; they had the Aggie game on. I immediately asked if they could switch it to the TV in front of me. I had noticed that a guy on that end of the bar was watching the LSU vs UK game that was on in front of me, so it would be perfect for both of us to switch them. I knew he was watching UK, because we had a short conversation about it since my family is from Kentucky and I grew up with UK gear as well as A&M gear. We were both surprised the other was rooting for UK. As I sat there and watched the Aggie game I couldn’t help but smile. It was NOT my normal luck to just happen into picking a place that had the game on.

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While sitting at the bar, watching the game, I quickly got in my feels about the guy I’m talking to back home. Over the past month or so I became accustomed to him making me drinks at the bar, and it felt weird sitting at someone else’s bar having them make me drinks. I was texting him kissy face emojis with each touch down, but I knew he would be busy at work and unlikely to respond quickly. That game though! I don’t know if I’ve ever watched such an epic game. It was literally the epitome of Aggie football. Always the underdog and always pulling off the unthinkable.

As I was watching the game, sipping my raspberry margarita, and trying not to get too deep in my thoughts, a guy sitting next to me asked if I was a college football fan. I responded that I’m an Aggie football fan. He was intrigued and asked if I was from Texas. I made sure to keep the conversation limited, but did learn that he was a local, divorced, no kids, and had moved to Jacksonville for college and never left. I would be lying if I told you his name, because I am awful with them and don’t remember names well, especially if I know I’m not going to need to remember it. My take away from our conversation though, was that he suggested I go to Boneyard Beach the next day since it wasn’t far from where I was staying, and had beautiful views if I just want to see a beach and not swim. I made sure I searched it on Google so I could remember the name of the beach the next day. I’m so glad I actually engaged in the conversation and got the local tip. Boneyard Beach was now on my list for the next day.

Sunday – So Long Sunshine State

I slept late this morning, which was good because after the drinks at the bar, the excitement of the win, and the nightcap as I journaled before bed, I needed the extra sleep. I decided to go to Cracker Barrel for breakfast, which has been a vacation tradition for me since I was a kid. I try to make sure I continue the tradition even though Cracker Barrel hits differently now since Chris passed. Cracker Barrel is what started it all for Chris and I, believe it or not, and where we always went to eat on our anniversary, so now it’s always bittersweet when I go. With my personal life so up in the air it seemed extra hard today.

After breakfast I headed to Boneyard Beach. This beach is just for walking, and enjoying the view. No swimming is allowed because the beach is scattered with downed trees and driftwood. It is so unique and so beautiful. The trails to get to the beach access were all in a wooded area and so serene to walk through. After taking it all in, listening to the waves, and a brief photo shoot, I headed out.

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On the way out I passed a sign for the Kingsley Plantation, which I vaguely remembered seeing a brochure about at my rental house. I decided to turn around and check it out since I had time still in the day. At first I thought it would be fun just to get a picture of the sign since my youngest daughter Grace’s first name is Kingsley, but as I pulled onto the road to the plantation I realized this would be much more than just a photo opportunity. The road to the plantation looked liked something out of a movie, just begging me to go on an adventure.

The views on the mile and a half drive to the plantation were breathtaking. As I arrived at the plantation I knew that the history would be rich. The Kingsley plantation is the oldest still standing plantation in Florida. The main home and another are still in good shape. The slaves quarters, which were devastating to see, where more in ruins. Touring the plantation was a stark reminder of how far we have come, and how much further we still need to go in the realm of social justice.

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After leaving the plantation I headed back to the coastal cabin to clean up, pack, and make a pre-flight drink to calm my nerves. I’m not usually nervous about flying, and today was really no different. I think I more so wanted to calm my thoughts about all the things I would need to face when I get back to Texas. I got the Jeep washed and vacuumed out and headed to the airport. I had to sit for a while before I went through TSA to finish my “jitter juice” I had made at the cabin, because I knew they would make me pour it out. I spent that time making a TikTok. You’re welcome.

I used the flight back to Texas to finish writing this, my Florida friend was messaging about how his weekend with the new girl he was talking to didn’t go great, my guy in College Station was texting with small talk, and my mind continued to race. I gave my Florida friend the advice I tell myself daily, “Don’t be someone’s second choice. You should be their only and their priority. If you aren’t, let them go.” If I could only listen to my own advice. I continued the small talk with my College Station guy avoiding the more serious discussion that is to come. This trip was complicated from the start, and I feel like as much clarity as I came to on the trip, I still have more to come when I get home.

This trip was much different than my last solo trip. I’m not sure if it’s because of the shift in the nature of the trip, the lack of complete closure, or if it’s the looming “where is this going” conversation that I know has to be had when I get back. Despite the clouds of unknown and potential hurt I’m flying into on the way home, this solo adventure brought plenty of sunshine at least for the long weekend, with a few take away lessons.

The sunshine state taught me to continue to love myself and that I can feel beautiful even if I’m not happy with my current state.

Georgia’s motto of “Wisdom, Justice, & Moderation” spoke to me in volumes this weekend. I need wisdom in relationships to know when to ask the right questions, when to walk away, and when to hold on. I need to make sure I continue to act justly when speaking to potential partners and continue to be completely honest and transparent no matter how it changes my plans. Last but not least, all things need to be done in moderation. While I had fun over the summer toying with the idea of dating, meeting new people, and having a good time indulging in food, drinks, and festivities, I’m paying for it now. My heart is hurting, my clothes are tight, and I needed more than a 4 day weekend to sort out my chaos.

As raw and unpleasant as that is to write, I need to get it down. There is something about putting it in writing that makes it seem so much more concrete. One thing that I can feel in my soul is that change is coming. I’m not completely sure what that change or changes will be, but I know I tend to be fearful of change. For me, more often than not, the changes I get aren’t usually something I want, and definitely aren’t comfortable, BUT with change comes growth. What I do know is that whatever changes are coming my way, they are part of God’s perfect plan, and I know that I should have no fear of the changes to come, because FEAR IS A LIAR.

This has been one “hell of a year” in the words of Parker McCollum, and the start of this school year has been just as hard. I have never been more thankful that I booked a trip for fall break during the summer, as I was when I landed in Florida late last night. Although the origins and outcome for this trip have changed drastically since it was booked months ago, I knew I still needed this trip for my mind and heart to be refreshed and reset, and for me to find some clarity and closure. I’m not sure what all will be accomplished in these areas, but I know one thing for sure, solo travel soothes my soul.

To give you some context as to where I am in this insane journey that is my life, my oldest son made the decision over the summer to live with his dad full time when school started and be with me every other weekend when I have the girls. Kenner explained to me that he needed a man to be able to talk to, and as a 7th grade boy, I know that is true. Kenner used to have great conversations with Chris, and now that he isn’t here, Kenner needs that, and I’m thankful he’s building that relationship with his dad. Grief has also reared it’s ugly head with Kyleigh, and she has started having panic attacks and is triggered when she thinks someone is hurt or could possibly get hurt, or when she is overwhelmed with feeling “alone” at my house by not having a male presence there. All of the big kids have joined a grief group and we are working on getting local psychologists and counselors for Kenner and Kyleigh.

Brace yourself for the controversial update in my life that will no doubt leave some displeased, ruffle some feathers, and bring all the hate comments and nosy neighbors out of the woodwork. Over the summer I decided I wanted to explore the idea of dating. Dating as a 35 year old, twice divorced, widowed, mother of 4 comes with its own train of trials, that I’m honestly considering writing a book about, but I digress. That kept my mind and heart on a roller coaster over the summer and into the start of the school year. Between that, all that is going on with the kids, and the insane start to the school year, I knew I needed support. Consequently I ended up starting a small group at church for widows, joined an additional small group for people who have been divorced or part of a blended family, and joined an evening group of MOPS, Moms of Preschoolers. I need a TRIBE as much as I needed this TRIP!

I flew out of Austin last night, had a layover in Atlanta, and didn’t land in Jacksonville until right at midnight. My main goal was to simply meet the person to get the Jeep for the weekend, and make it to my VRBO rental. I planned on going to sleep the moment my head hit the pillow, but my life can never be that simple. The moment my head hit the pillow my mind started racing with all the thoughts and emotions that were surrounding this trip. A huge majority of those thoughts and emotions, were without a doubt, surrounding my love life.

Long story short this trip was originally planned as a weekend to bring me clarity on a situationship I had gotten into with a guy who lives in Florida over the summer. I was emotionally attached, but knew that the chance of him moving to Texas was unlikely. This trip was originally planned to be a time I could spend time with him and discuss if there was a potential for it turning into more, or if I had just been too quick to become emotionally involved. I ended up ending things with him when I met someone who is local and wanted to pursue that, since it seemed more realistic. That changed this trip to a solo adventure, which I’m always down for, but we had planned however to still meet up for dinner which was the closure I really thought would help me with that chapter. Now that the trip is here, I am still talking to the guy I met locally, but things have felt very distant this past week which has me nervous and feeling like a conversation needs to be had quickly about where this is going, there was also nervousness about dinner with my Florida friend and hopes for some closure. This led to a quite sleepless first night. I finally fell asleep around 1:45am.

I woke up this morning to a buzzing cell phone. It was almost 8 in Florida,which meant almost 7 at home, which was sleeping in late for me. I had a good morning text from my guy, which made me smile, and I also noticed I had a message from the Florida friend. He was asking what I had planned for the day, and then told me that he wouldn’t be able to get together for a bite to eat after all. He let me know he has started taking to someone and she has a weekend trip to St. Augustine planned for them. Ironically St. Augustine was on my list of stops today. While this wasn’t the type of closure I was hoping for, it was closure all the same. One less worry on my plate, and giving me the ability to focus more on me and where I’m at on this trip.

After the early closure text, I got up and headed into Jacksonville for breakfast at the Maple Street Biscuit company. I found this place in a Pinterest search planning for the trip and it immediately called my name. Biscuits and gravy are my favorite without a doubt. It did not disappoint. When they take your order they ask you a quirky question instead of just asking for your name. Today’s was “If you were transformed into a monster, what monster would you be?”. I’m not going to lie, I giggled a little as I came up to get my drink and food after they called out for Dracula. I had the Extreme B&G which was two biscuits covered in their sausage gravy with a kick, with an over easy egg and a maple sausage patty on top of each. I also had their strawberry fields drink which was Prosecco and strawberry purée. It was all SO good and the perfect start to the day.

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After breakfast I wandered over to Jacksonville Beach to see the rolling waves and smell the ocean breeze, even though the beach was not on today’s list of activities. I snapped a selfie and as I was walking back to the Jeep I saw the cutest older couple. The husband was helping his wife down the stairs that were super sandy of course. The wife was totally rocking a bikini; no cover up, no shame, all they had was the love for each other and for the beach. Relationship goals.

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After my quick beach views I left and headed towards St. Augustine. The forecast for today called for significant rain, so I knew the plan was to try to hit some sight seeing in St. Augustine before the rain started, and then to complete the Jeep Badge of Honor trial in the afternoon since the rain wouldn’t really effect it. The drive to St. Augustine was’t long, and I thankfully had beat the rain. I knew immediately when I arrived in St. Augustine that I would love the history. St. Augustine is the oldest constantly occupied European settlement in the US. While there I walked the adorable downtown shopping area, saw the Castillo de San Marcos, the Bridge of Lions, and the St. Augustine Lighthouse, including the 219 steps up to the top to see the view.

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After leaving St. Augustine I headed to the Ocala National Forest to check another Jeep Badge of Honor trail off my list. I intentionally rented a 4×4 Jeep on this trip to be able to do this trail. If you aren’t a Jeep person, there are Badge of Honor Trails around the United States that if you go do the trail, you can check in on their app, and receive a badge to put on your Jeep. It’s a fun way to show what trials you have done. The only other one I’ve done is Hidden Falls Adventure Park in Marble Falls, Texas. This trail was VERY different than that one. It was mainly sugar sand trapped in by right trails with overgrown brush. Due to it being a rental, I couldn’t chance scratching it up and had to stick to the more open trails that were much more sandy. While this Jeep was 4×4, it did NOT have the big trails tires mine has on it or a lift. I was a little concerned as I started. I came to a trail that had a warning sign posted that you aren’t to go on trails not marked with a number, such as the one it was leading to. So naturally what did I do? I decided to try it, and almost instantly regretted the decision. I could tell very quickly that I would be getting stuck. Sure enough I wasn’t very far into the trail area when it happened. I tried what I could to get out but despite it all I ended up having to dig out the tires some. Thankfully it was enough to get a little traction in reverse only, and hit me far enough from that area to get out of there. I should have followed the warning, but ended up making it out and getting the trail badge. Win!

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After the trail I headed back to the coastal cabin to rest for a while and freshen up before dinner. You all know what a Mexican food fanatic I am, so of course that was on the menu tonight. I went to a place called the Burrito Gallery. I ordered their New Skool Steak Nachos and ordered a margarita on the rocks. The margarita had a good flavor, but wasn’t out of this world. The nachos though, that was a different story completely. For my College Station lifers, the nachos gave me total La Bodega vibes which made my heart SO happy.

Today was a great day of adventures and I had plenty of time to think and work on clearing my mind. My take away today is that I need to stop trying to be in control of every single situation. I planned this trip under a different pretense, and it ended up being the exact adventure I needed alone. I wanted closure in a specific way, and God brought it in a different way that honestly probably has less strings. For the remainder of this trip I need to remind myself that God is in control, NOT me. I don’t need to fear any upcoming conversations on where things are headed, I don’t need to fear changes in plans, and I definitely don’t need to fear the unknown. God has is all under control, and fear is a liar.

Today is a day that I knew would be hard. Today would have been Chris’s 47th birthday. Chris didn’t even like celebrating birthdays, but we sure loved celebrating him. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss him, and today that longing for him is definitely stronger. This year I know that Chris is celebrating his birthday in his heavenly home, and I couldn’t think of a sweeter place to celebrate.

Our last birthday celebration with Chris was probably my favorite. We spent the evening at home as a family, and when Chris got home from work we surprised him with bundtinis from Nothing Bundt Cake in a variety of flavors. Chris’s favorite was the lemon, mine is the red velvet, and the kids just want them all. We sang happy birthday around the kitchen island and Zeke finished it off with birthday spankings in true Zeke fashion. This is such a sweet memory now that I’m going to hold onto.

If the big kids were with me tonight we would be going out to eat and then continuing the bundtini tradition, but they are at their dads so I opted for something else. I knew today would be hard, so I wanted to make sure I was busy and surrounding myself with loved ones and good support. I scheduled doctors appointments for Zeke today so I could take off work and spend the day with him, and tonight I will go to MOPS for a couple hours to be surrounded by Christian mommas who will no doubt love on me, lift me up in prayer, be there for hugs. I couldn’t not have a bunt cake today for Chris so it will be waiting for me at home to have for dessert after MOPS.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t fearful of all the emotions that will come today, because I already know how hard those birthdays are without your loved ones. However, I rejoice in knowing that I have nothing to fear, because Chris is celebrating with God, and fear is a liar!

Today was day one of my first ever girls trip out of state. My friend Leah and I have been planning this trip since March. Leah wanted to go hiking with me on what ended up being my first solo adventure to Tennessee, but it just didn’t work with kids schedules and everything going on during spring break. When we started discussing where we wanted to go both of our first choices was to go to Sedona. We had both seen the beautiful views, quirky places to go, and both knew we needed that in our lives.

Thankfully since we were on the road early we didn’t catch any traffic at all, and we made it to the airport with plenty of time to spare. As we were making our way through TSA I quickly realized why I like being early. I made it through the TSA check with no issues, but Leah got held up. I couldn’t even begin to imagine what could have possibly been in her bag that they were questioning. From the look on her face I could tell she didn’t know either. After she finally made it through I asked what in the world happened, and she said that there was a knife in her backpack in a hidden pocket, but she had no clue it was there because it was her ex’s backpack that she was just using for the trip. Thankfully the TSA attendant joked with her saying “someone wanted you trapped”, and happily let her go through when Leah told the attendant to please dispose of it. The whole situation got me thinking though, and I realized that I hadn’t taken the keychain knife Chris got me off of my keys either! I am thankful that Chris always liked concealed weapons that are hard to identify. The keychain knife has a metal casing in the shape of a key, which I’m assuming is why it didn’t get noticed. I was lucky with it, but not so lucky in forgetting that I had my solar charger charging in the window of the waiting area before boarding the plane and left it at IAH.

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Day 1

After we landed in Arizona after a day full of flights thanks to a strange layover, we headed to get our rental car for the trip, and then to check into the hotel. When I described this hotel to people, I said it was a girls trip dream hotel. We booked at the Saguaro in Scottsdale, and it is this cute hotel/spa that is characterized by bright colors, and their amazing pool. Leah and I had already decided that the day after the hike would be our pool day where we could just lounge around and enjoy. After we checked in, we walked checked out The Saguaro, then headed out to check out Old Town Scottsdale. Old Town Scottsdale looks like a scene straight from a western movie, and is filled with restaurants, nightlife, art, and places to shop. As we were walking around, we heard music coming from a bar called The Rusty Spur and were intrigued. As soon as we walked in the door everyone in the place started cheering for us and clapping their hands! After our initial reaction of not knowing what was going on, then feeling like a celebrity, we found a spot to sit and realized it is what the crowd does anytime someone walks in. The musician playing for the night reminded me of a country version of a piano bar. The musician would take tips and you told him what you wanted him to play and he would play the song on the guitar and sing. It was such a fun atmosphere and we ended up staying for a while and enjoying some songs. After we left The Rusty Spur we headed to get a bite to eat. We found a Mexican restaurant called Cien Agaves that was wonderful. We shared some appetizers so that we could try several things, and enjoyed drinks while we were there. I realized very quickly that prickly pear margaritas were going to be my go to drink for this trip. I haven’t found many places in Texas that make them the way I like, but everyone I had while in Arizona was AMAZING. We turned in for the night after dinner since we knew we would be up early for hiking the next day.

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Day 2

We woke up fairly early to make the 2 hour drive to Sedona from Scottsdale for our hike, but it was easy to do since our bodies were still on Texas time and functioning two hours ahead of Arizona time. We enjoyed our drive and all the beautiful scenic views along the way to Sedona. I was in awe of the cactus as we drove because they literally looked like the cactus you see in cartoons but they were all along the highway. We arrived to the Cathedral Rock trailhead first and were blown away by the sheer size of what we were about to climb. We chose to do this one in the morning first because we thought it would be the more challenging of the two hikes for the day. The hike is only a mile to the top, but you encounter a 551ft gain of elevation in that mile. When you near the top of the climb, you are using a big crevice in the rock to climb at about a 45 degree angle, but thankfully there are plenty of footholds along the way. The view at the top is absolutely amazing, and even more beautiful if you ignore the “end of trail” signs and hike around the corner. Once we reached the top we enjoyed the views and the shade for about 45 minutes, taking in all of God’s glory, before making the quick trip back down.

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After leaving Cathedral Rock, we made the quick drive to the other side of Sedona to hike Devil’s bridge. This is where we obviously hadn’t really thought things through considering the heat, and the fact that we hadn’t eat much at all that day. At this point it was a little before noon, and while Devil’s Bridge is a gradual incline, and should have been an easier hike, it was not true in the heat wave that Arizona was experiencing while we were there. The hike to Devil’s Bridge is right at 2 miles, but with parking, and avoiding rough patches you can plan on hiking anywhere between 4-5 miles round trip. As we approached the trailhead we noticed two signs that should have been a huge warning to us, but we were feeling great coming off the first hike. The warning signs read, “Heat Stroke Advisory” and “Recommended 1 Gallon of Water per Hiker”. Now, we did have quite a bit of water on us, but not quite a gallon each. We started the hike anyway and quickly realized the importance of those signs. We felt like we were dying on the hike up, and kept stopping for shade, or just to get our heart rates down, or for a drink. What should have been a fairly quick hike took what seemed like ages. I also realized as we reached Devil’s Bridge, that we were going to have to ration the water on the way back which was a scary thought. Devil’s Bridge itself was absolutely gorgeous! We sat at the top watching people take photos for quite some time to let our bodies recover before doing our own photo session. Leah almost had a heart attack watching a dad and son traipsing along the bridge. There were also 2 young guys who decided it would be a good idea to jump across a split in the rock with a huge drop to the ground below. The dad decided to give them some pointers before they jumped, and used his young son as an example of how to do it! Thankfully mom who was on the sidelines taking photos quickly spoke up and asked that he not do it again. I think our biggest laugh was a guy who was hiking alone and was obviously exhausted from the hike as well. He looked at Devil’s Bridge with a straight face as he got to the top and said “they should call this Devil’s Bitch”. I died laughing because the word play was spot on, since we honestly didn’t know if we were going to make it to the bridge for pictures. Although Leah was hesitant about walking out on the bridge at first, we both lived on the edge and took pictures hanging our feet over the side, and even a jumping shot on the bridge. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t intimidated at the idea of having to make the hike back to our vehicle while rationing water. Thankfully we made it a good ways down the trail when an blessing from God himself showed up in the form a man who spends his days volunteering for the forestry service, and brings water to hikers who need it, and gives rides back to those who seem like they won’t make it. It was seriously our biggest blessing of the day; we needed water, and WANTED a ride back more than anything. You might be thinking we took the easy way out, but it definitely wasn’t. The road that we had to travel was awful, and I think our bodies hurt more from being tossed around in the vehicle on the way back, then they did from the hike.

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After we got back to the car, we made our way into Sedona to finally get a bite to eat. I think anything would have been amazing at that point, but Leah suggested Italian, and picked an absolutely amazing restaurant. The place was called Picazzos, and the food was delicious. We had some spinach artichoke dip, and shared a meaty pizza. The one good side to eating so late in the day was that we hit Picazzos right at happy hour and tried some delicious drinks from their cocktail menu. The star of the night was a raspberry lemonade that you couldn’t even tell had alcohol in it. We headed back to Scottsdale, and realized once we got back that we didn’t want to hit the nightlife scene, but could use some dessert. Leah found a super cute place called Un-Baked that served ice cream, cookie dough, and boozy shakes. We opted for cookie dough and ice cream sundaes that were SO good. I think the unbaked cookie dough idea is quite possibly the best thing I have ever seen and would love to see one locally. After dessert we headed back to The Saguaro and crashed for the night.

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Day 3

After all of our hiking the day before we made the decision that our last full day would include sleeping in, brunch, plenty of time by the pool, and some nightlife in Scottsdale. We really did sleep in after all the hiking the day before. When we finally woke up, we went to a brunch place we had been excited to eat at, only to realize that their brunch was only served on Saturday and Sunday, and not on Friday. Not discouraged we walked to another breakfast place called Daily Dose. We were surprised to see that there was a wait to be seated, and opted for sitting on the patio to be seated immediately. The hosted asked if we were sure, and we weren’t, but decided to chance it anyway. It was definitely hot on the patio, but so worth it. Leah and I both ordered eggs benedict, but she ordered them traditionally, and I tried them “DD style” which meant instead of hollandaise sauce and an English muffin, mine came on a biscuit with sausage gravy. Both were AMAZING! We also explored their brunch drink menu with a screwdriver and a bacon bloody mary. I went with the screwdriver, but bloody mary’s were always Chris’s drink of choice if he did drink, and Leah’s looked so good I ended up ordering one as well. It was very tasty, and brought back such sweet memories of Chris.

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After brunch we headed to the hang out by the pool at The Saguaro. This pool is nothing short of amazing, and something we had been looking forward to enjoying the whole trip. Let me say, it did not disappoint. Not only does the pool have nice lounge chairs, cabanas, and umbrellas to give you some shade, but it also has a full bar and pool side food from the resort restaurant. I think our favorite drink ended up being the frozen Pink Whitney lemonade that was out of this world. We noticed as we swam and tanned that there were a lot of women there. It seemed some were there for a girls trip and some for a bachelorette party. We were intrigued towards the later afternoon when we started seeing a few men come to the pool, and our interest even more peaked when they started to talk and we realized they had an Australian accent. I finally mustered up the courage to ask what they were in Arizona for and found out that they are members of an Australian football team that is in town for training. I decided it would be fun to have them say hello to our friend Savannah who was a little bummed she couldn’t be on the trip with us due to a family event. She had been envious of our snapchat stories by the pool. The team was really sweet to fulfill my request, and let us know they would be in Austin in October if we wanted to come watch.

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After the pool we decided to head out to have dinner at Belle’s Nashville Kitchen which is where we passed up for brunch. I was most interested in one of their appetizers. They had Kool-Aid pickles which are fried pickles marinated in red koolaid, fried to perfection, and of course served with ranch dressing. I couldn’t pass up the chance to try them, and they were so good. The mix of sweet and sour was perfect! We enjoyed exploring the rest of Old Town Scottsdale before heading back to The Saguaro and packing up to head home the next day.

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This was such an amazing trip, and my first “girls trip”. I had two big takeaways from this trip. The first is that Leah and I decided that we need to do a yearly girls trip in the summer somewhere that doesn’t necessarily need to be hiking, but a time to connect with those women in our lives that fill our cups. Leah has been with me through thick and thin. She has been my rock and my prayer warrior through some pretty dark times in my life, and I have tried to be there for her as well when she needs me. Taking time to have that connection with those people we love in our life is important and I can’t wait to see where we go next year.

My other big moment from this trip was my continued awe and fascination with what God has created and how he is moving. There is no way that someone can hike and see these views without having their breath taken away and knowing that this world wasn’t create by chance, but by God. We were out there in a desert in unbelievable heat, hiking up steep inclines, and yet there was absolutely nothing to fear, because we could still see the beauty in God’s creation all around us. I’m so thankful for this adventure, for my friendship with Leah, for time to renew and refresh, and for God’s continued reminder that despite the situations I’m in, God is good and FEAR IS A LIAR!

Father’s Day is one of those holidays that is bittersweet in so many ways for me. All the emotions swirl around in my head on Father’s Day from missing my dad and the bonus dad my kids had with Chris, to thankfulness to the men who have been father’s to me through marriages, and love for the many grandfathers and great grandfathers my children get to experience.

I know that my family is a jumbled mess of a family tree. I’ve been married three times so that makes for a large extended family and influences in mine and my children’s lives. My mom also had divorced parents, and Zeke’s dad has multiple parents as well. When I say the family tree is jumbled, it’s truly not an exaggeration. What I have learned from that though is the more family the better. They might not be my family by blood, or even by marriage anymore, but they are all still family through the connection of children and love.

I am blessed to have had the most amazing dad. Anyone who knew my dad knows what I mean. Todd Hughes raised me to be fiercely independent and I am forever grateful for that. I pray daily that my children and I can be as caring and selfless as my dad was.

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My kids have been blessed by dads who love them unconditionally whether those dad’s are theirs through blood or love. Even though their dads and I are not married, we co-parent, and that honestly is what’s most important. I’m thankful for the time they have with their kiddos and the love they show them! We were blessed beyond belief to have Chris eagerly step in to that bonus dad role like no one I had ever seen.

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I have also been blessed by some amazing father-in-laws. They have been, or were there for me, and continued to be for my kids despite the difficulties of divorce and life. I have been equally blessed by having amazing grandfathers who taught me things, and my parents things that have been passed down to me, and now to my kids. Even though Charles has gone soft with age and no longer refers to my kids as “catfish bait, tricycle motors, or curtain crawlers” as he lovingly did with Kendra and I.

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No matter if your Father’s Day is traditional, or untraditional like mine, make sure you take time today to tell those men in your life thank you for all they do, big and small! ❤️

This might be one of those posts that makes some people uncomfortable, makes you not want to read my blog anymore, or makes you think with an open mind. I’m hoping that it is the latter, but it is definitely a topic that is important to me. In case you didn’t know June is pride month. Pride month is a time for the LGBTQ community and allies to come together to support the freedom’s that they have to just be themselves, which is something so many of us take for granted.

If you didn’t already know, I am a history nerd, and taught history for several years, so I couldn’t talk about pride month without telling you a little about the history of it. June was picked to celebrate pride month because the Stonewall Uprising happened in June of 1969 in New York City. This uprising happened when a gay club located in Greenwich Village in New York City was raided. At the time solicitation of same sex relationships were illegal in New York City, and these raids were happening frequently to establishments that were frequented by members of the LBGTQ community. This particular raid started protests that lasted six days, and was the start of the gay rights movement in the United States. I always love to learn and teach the history behind things, because it gives you a better understanding of the “why”.

So you might be wondering what my why is. Why do I celebrate pride month? I celebrate pride month for a variety of reasons, but the biggest one is because I truly believe that love is love. I am a counselor and always want my students to know that when they talk to me it is a safe place, and one without judgement. I am also raising children that I want to love others and be kind humans regardless of what their personal preferences or beliefs are. It shouldn’t matter what my sexual preference is, or what anyone else’s sexual preference is. What matters is that we are called to love others.

I had a student come to me this year that said they had a question for me. I was intrigued and as the student went on, they said “I know you are religious because of how you act, and I know you support people no matter who they love because of how you act, but how does that work?” I asked the student what they meant and they said “well a lot of Christians I’ve spoke to say being gay is a sin, and they don’t support people like you do.” As I sat there thankful that the student trusted me enough to come to me with this, I was also sad that this is what that student has seen of Christians. I told the student that not all Christians believe that, and that for me, I believe we are called to “love our neighbor”, ANY neighbor. The student asked if it says being gay is wrong in the bible, and I told the student that it depends on the translation you read.

If you haven’t researched this before and are basing your Christian views on the LBGTQ community off of bible verses such as the ones in Leviticus, 1 Corinthians, and Romans, OR from the use of a translated word for “arsenokoitai”, then I implore you to DO YOUR RESEARCH. Did you know that the word “homosexual” wasn’t used in an English Bible until 1946?! Both of these articles are great reads if you are interested in the mistranslation that many Christians commonly use to condemn the LBGTQ community.

https://um-insight.net/perspectives/has-%E2%80%9Chomosexual%E2%80%9D-always-been-in-the-bible/

https://baptistnews.com/article/my-quest-to-find-the-word-homosexual-in-the-bible/#.YLfbK6jYrIU

Regardless of what you believe is right or wrong when it comes to love, love is discussed over and over again in the Bible. The word love is used 551 times in the new international version of the Bible. There are two verses that stick out to me as the most important verses about love.

These verses are so important to me because they tell us HOW to love. The first one tells us to “love your neighbor as yourself”. It does NOT say love your neighbor who looks like you, worships like you, speaks like you, or loves like you. It says LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR. Even if you can’t swallow that one for what it is, we are further instructed to love like God loved us. We read parable after parable in the bible discussing how Jesus loves and seeks out the social outcasts. If you still feel that the LBGTQ community doesn’t deserve the love you do, then consider this. We see Jesus associate with sinners, tax collectors, adulteresses, prostitutes, the unclean, the sick, and the list goes on and on. Do you really think that God doesn’t love who YOU consider to be a social outcast because they are different than you? At the end of the day you have to remember that God is Love, and Love is Love.

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If you are an educator you know that once May hits you better just hold on tight, try to breathe, and wait for summer to set in. May for educators is comparable to tax season for accountants, that last mile of a half marathon for my runners, or black Friday for my retail people. I foolishly assumed that maybe this year it wouldn’t be as manic since I’m not in the classroom, but I was SO wrong. May was complete madness for us in all aspects of life; so many changes, so many amazing experiences, and so many tears. I have never been so ready for summer break in my life, but I know that summer will also come with its own set of challenges.

I started out May on an adventure with Kyleigh. She took her first ever trip on an airplane as we traveled to Orlando Florida for her last cheer competition of the season. We had such an amazing time on the trip. Kyleigh and her team worked hard at the competition and had great growth from day 1 to day 2. We enjoyed taking a trip to Cocoa Beach, which was Kyleigh’s first time at a beach outside of the Gulf of Mexico. Kyleigh’s favorite part though, other than the flight, might have been visiting Disney Springs. We went two times to eat, go to the Disney store, and just enjoy all the magic that is part of that little slice of Disney, without going to Disney. After returning from this trip, we got the devastating news that the cheer gym Kyleigh was with was dissolving their cheer program. I frantically called the only other competitive cheer gym in town, and Kyleigh got in the next day for an evaluation. She was placed on the youth level 1 team, and started practice with her new team the next week. While I know Kyleigh will do great, we are so sad to leave her amazing coaches. Dani and Murphy were SO good to not only Kyleigh this year, but to me as a parent. They were amazing as we traversed this incredibly difficult year, and for that I am forever greatful!

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The very next weekend I was served a slice of humble pie. A group of students asked if they could come do service hours at my house since they knew it has been a rough year. My principal encouraged me to say yes, since she knew good and well my natural inclination would be to say no because “I can do it myself”. I’m SO glad I said yes. I felt beyond loved and blessed by the amazing group of students that showed up to work. They mowed, cleaned my gutters, cleaned out my flower beds, put in new mulch, took out plants damaged by the freeze and replanted with new ones, and even pressure washed my driveway. It was so fun to get a pizza lunch for them and watch them hang out in my living room with my children eating and laughing together. I could have done it by myself, but it would have taken me MUCH longer to complete, and the love they showed me through their servant leadership filled my cup more than they know.

We also celebrated Zeke’s 4th birthday in May. Zeke shares a birthday with my dad who passed away in 2012. I feel like it was totally a God thing for them to share a birthday, and it is always a special celebration when we get together for Zeke’s birthday, not only to celebrate how far he has come, but to remember my sweet dad. I pray that Zeke can grow up to love people the way my dad did.

We also got to see some of our friends from our local chapter of Little People of America, LPA. We were able to have our first in person event since the start of the pandemic over a year ago! We had a picnic in the park in San Marcos, and it was SO wonderful. We all got to see friends in the LP community that we have missed dearly over the past year. The best part was getting to meet the sweet little boy from Caldwell who has the same type of dwarfism as Zeke for the first time face to face. I know that Zeke and Kayne are bound to be friends, and I think it is nothing short of a miracle to have someone so close to Zeke’s age with the same rare genetic condition living in our small little town. God is good!

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The rest of May was scattered with lots of time spent with friends, which only made me long for summer break even more. I was able to enjoy charity events, an outdoor concert, birthday parties, cornhole tournaments, and time at the lake. I even experienced a few firsts for me with a date night at the races, going to a drag show, and riding on a jet ski. All the fun activities of summer started in May only for the reality to sink in that I don’t actually get to start summer break until June 9th. The even bigger realization is that I only get a month of summer, since I am on the administration summer schedule, instead of the two month summer break I have grown accustomed to! This means time at camps for my big kids while I’m at work, and carefully planning out the month I do have to be able to go on a family vacation with the kids, and to take time for myself as well.

Another pre-summer surprise has been being asked out on dates. Up until this month I hadn’t even considered it, but I let my guard down and said yes to one. I had a great time, but ultimately realized that I’m not quite ready for serious dating. There are just too many emotions I’m still working through, not to mention I feel sorry for anyone that tries, because Chris truly was my soulmate. I just don’t know that I will ever meet anyone on my same level of awkward again, or who can put up with me. I’m a mess; I’m hyper independent, ADHD to the max, type A, an old soul, awkward, stubborn, wear my heart on my sleeve, and tell it like it is. I’m such a mess, but it’s a beautiful mess.

Topping my prayer list currently is for discernment, and to let go and enjoy the summer-time as well. I’m praying that I’m judging situations correctly, people correctly, and making smart decisions in all realms. I’m also praying that I savor each moment I have with my children during my new shorter summer break. It is SO incredibly important for me to be able to make all the lasting summer-time memories I can with them, because I know all too well how quickly they are growing up. These summer family vacations and trips to the pool won’t always be the highlight of their summer, and I’m not quite ready for that stage just yet.

To say that I was excited for today would be an understatement. The 6th grade at ILTexas College Station K8 choose Dwarfism Awareness as their grade level “Others Before Self” project and held a campus fun run today complete with, dwarfism facts, and a beautiful sea of green t-shirts on students racing around the track. My heart wanted to explode as I watched the students running, saw all the green, and walked campus to see dwarfism awareness posters throughout the hallways.

As I mentioned before each year students present their OBS projects to the class, and eventually the whole grade level votes to pick a project. This year my oldest son Kenner and his group wanted to raise awareness for Dwarfism, and their project won! Through out the year their grade level has been planning what to do. They set a goal of 1000 laps in the fun run to raise awareness, to make posters to put up around the school to spread awareness leading up to the fun run, and to encourage the entire schools participation by wearing green. They also made bracelets and necklaces for the students to wear during the race that had facts about dwarfism attached to them. To see a project like this carried out by sixth graders with the support of their teachers was AMAZING!

One of Kenner’s teachers even reached out to aww if Kenner could make a short video to introduce the grade level to Zeke who was his inspiration for this project with his group. To me this was SO meaningful because when I had previously tried to do something for Dwarfism Awareness month at Zeke’s current school, I was told it was against district policy. I was heartbroken to not be able to share some facts with his classmates. However, ILTexas really showed up with this amazing project and support for dwarfism awareness when Zeke won’t even be an Eagle for another year. I am humbled by their sweet actions and how they truly exhibit what it means to put others before self.

I feel beyond blessed that my older kiddos already attend ILTexas and are getting to learn how to be good leaders and more importantly how to love others. I can’t wait until Zeke is an ILTexas Eagle as well. I know without a doubt that he will feel the love of this school from the moment he walks in the doors. His big brother has laid down the foundation to make sure that awareness has been raised about his condition so that when he walks through those doors the other students will know what dwarfism is. They won’t feel the need to laugh, point, or make fun of him, because they’ve already been educated about it. I am humbled by Kenner’s love for Zeke and his desire to protect him. Between big brother and the awesome community that is ILTexas I know without a doubt that Zeke will be so proud to be an #EagleByChoice

Yesterday was a big day for us; my kiddos officially gained a bonus mom, I gained a wife-in-law, and Tiffany officially became family. What’s a wife-in-law? According to us, a wife in law is your ex-husbands new wife. Tiffany and I lovingly call each other wife-in-law or wifey, and honestly enjoy the confused reaction we get from people. We fully understand that we aren’t the norm, but it begs the question why isn’t this the norm?

My ex-husband Patrick and I, along with my new wife-in-law Tiffany coparent together so well. I’m not saying there aren’t ever disagreements, but we discuss them, apologize, and move on. We are one family and I am SO thankful for that. I know that Patrick and Tiffany have my back, and they know I have theirs, with the kids, with society, or with anyone that tries to disrupt our family dynamic. We enjoy time together, dinners, birthdays, kids events and everything in between. It is seriously the best possible situation for our kids to see us work together, be a united front in parenting, love them, and love each other. I wish we were the norm. How much better off would children of blended families be if this was the norm?

Now off my soap box and on to Tiffany and Patrick’s special day. I jokingly told them that I deserve a toast at their wedding for introducing them. Tiffany and I met at new teacher inservice for the school we worked at, and instantly hit it off. She quickly became a good friend because we have so much in common and were seeing each other everyday at work. At the kids meet the teacher at the beginning of the school year Patrick and I met up to go together with the kids to meet their teachers, and Tiffany happened to see us walking down the hall. She asked me later if Patrick was my ex-husband, I said yes, and she commented that he looked so familiar. As the conversation continued we realized she had seen him before catering at an event at which she was bartending. I told her I’d have to tell Patrick she recognized him, which I did.

Fast forward a month or so and Tiffany came to me and said we needed to talk. She told me that Patrick had slid his way into her DM’s on Facebook and they had been talking. She told me that we were friends first and that she didn’t want to jeopardize our friendship if I wasn’t ok with her pursing it. I without hesitation said PLEASE go for it! I told her best case scenario they end up working out which would be great since I was her friend first and like her, or they break up and then we have more in common. To me it was a win win situation! As I have watched their relationship and love grow I am amazed. Their personalities bring out the best in the other, and it is so clear to see that they were so beautifully made for each other in a way that only God can do. On a side note it is SO satisfying to see Tiffany get Patrick to do things I never could. That is one GLORIOUS benefit of being the wife in law, and I thank her for it all the time!

I am beyond thankful that they found each other, that my kids have her as a bonus mom, and that I have a friend for a wife-in-law. May God bless their marriage and continue to bless our sweet, blended, crazy family. I will continued to pray that more blended families can experience what we do, what God commanded us to do; LOVE!

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