One Year; Grief, Growth, & God’s Goodness

It is exceptionally difficult to explain what we have experienced over the past year. The past year is a paradox in that it feels like it was just yesterday that Chris went to his heavenly home, but also feels like we have lived a lifetime in this past year as we have adjusted to the changes. If I had to summarize the past year, I would say we have experience grief, growth, and God’s goodness.

Grief; so much grief. I have discussed before how ugly grief can be, how fickle, how all encompassing, and how life impacting. Grief has had one constant throughout the past year; it has changed us. The best way that I can describe grief is by saying that it comes in waves. Sometimes you are doing ok and are on top of those waves, and other times you are simply drowning. I processed my grief as quickly as I could after Chris passed, because I knew that I would need to be in an okay spot to be able to help my children process. I started seeing my counselor again, I wrote to Chris every night in a journal to “tell” him how my day was like I had done so many nights laying bed at the end of a day. The children all have processed a little differently, and are definitely still working through it. Kenner made the decision to go live with his Dad and be with me on the weekends. Kenner told me he needed a man to talk to since Chris wasn’t there to be that person anymore for him. While my momma heart hurt so bad when he told me, I knew without a doubt this is what he needed to heal. Kyleigh tried to be strong for a long time, and her grief was delayed until this fall. She didn’t truly start her grieving until then, and it’s been a hard road, but we are making progress. Grace has been grieving from the moment Chris was gone, and while she has less sad days than before, she is still working through it too. Zeke went daily to our bedroom peaked around the door and said “Dada” looking for Chris for the first two months after he passed. Zeke was so used to having Chris there, and the morning cartoon time in bed they enjoyed together. Zeke eventually stopped that routine, but there is not a single time he doesn’t pass by a picture of Chris in the house that he doesn’t point to it and say “Dada”. This fall we joined a grief group called Mending Hearts that has been a huge blessing to us. We go twice a month and have dinner with a group of other people who have lost family members, and then break into groups for the kids and the adults to do activities related to grief. It helps the kids to know they aren’t the only ones who have suffered loss, helps them to process their emotions, and teaches the adults good ways to help their kids communicate what they are feeling, work through the grief, and remember their loved ones in beneficial ways. For Christmas we made ornaments for our loved ones that we filled with different items, and wrote a card to go with it explaining what we put into it to represent them. I started filling my ornament and put some blue ribbons to represent Chris’s love for law enforcement and a white ribbon to represent his unwavering faith. As I was doing this I heard Kenner say “mom you know what you should put in there?” I looked at him and asked what, and he said “a gold ribbon”. I was intrigued and asked why, and Kenner with a straight face looked at me and said, “because Chris always told us he married you for your money”. I DIED LAUGHING. Chris joked with the kids all the time telling them that, and Kenner would always pop back and say “what money?! she’s a teacher, she doesn’t have money”. We would always laugh so hard over it, and it was such a great memory for Kenner to contribute. I added my gold ribbon and finished it up.

Growth is something that should be never ending for us. I don’t know how many times I have been told that you “grow through what you go through” at different times in my life when dealing with trials. It’s an accurate statement, but not an easy one to swallow. Your immediate reaction when faced with trials isn’t usually to think about how much it will help to grow you as a person, but in all honesty it should be. One of my absolute favorite bible verses that has been a comfort to me through the grieving process is James 1:2. “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance”. Through every hardship I have faced, I have grown closer in my relationship with God. I absolutely can’t imagine going through this without having my faith. There have been so many times when I have referenced Job and all the trials he went though, and although when Chris passed I felt like Job for a moment, I quickly realized that I still didn’t have it as bad off as Job, and despite the trials Job never turned from God, and I won’t either. Grace’s relationship with God has grown as well. She made the decision this year to accept Jesus Christ as her savior and was baptized. Other than my relationship with God continuing to grow, I’ve seen growth in my appreciation for the present. I absolutely take each day for what it is now, I’m quick to forgive, and I tell people that I love and appreciate them more often than before. This experience has reminded me that tomorrow is not promised, and that I need to live in the now.

God’s Goodness has been a constant throughout this year. At every turn I’m reminded of how God is blessing me through this journey. The blessings have overflowed throughout this past year from meals prepared by loving hands after Chris’s death, to my mom friends who snuck in and cleaned my house, to the never ending prayers from my friends, family, and church, to the groups that I have joined and connections I have made due to losing Chris. I started a widows small group at my church and have met some absolutely amazing women through that. It is so nice to be able to discuss with someone who truly knows what you are doing through. I also joined another small group a church who have truly become friends and are such a blessing in my life. Throughout this journey God also blessed me with meeting the guy I’ve been seeing who is truly wonderful. Knowing today would be a hard day, he stopped by this morning to make sure I was ok, and to pray with me for today to be a good day remembering Chris, and to pray for peace for me and the kids. This was probably the absolute best possible way for me to start my day today, solidified my thoughts that this guy is someone amazing, and reassured me that God’s goodness of connecting me with these people when He knew I would need it most is astounding.

I had been thinking about what the kids and I would do today to celebrate Chris for a couple weeks. I asked Kyleigh what she thought and without hesitation she said “Mom we have to go eat at Walk-Ons”. I paused for a second and then remembered exactly why she would want to go there. The day before Chris’s accident he took the kids, just them, to Walk-Ons to each lunch, and they had so much fun. They even took pictures to send to me to make me jealous that they were eating there without me. I told Kyleigh I thought that was perfect. I decided I would pick the kids up from school and we would go play at Nerdvana, the vintage arcade, for a while which was one of Chris’s favorites, and then have dinner at Walk-Ons along with bundtinis for dessert from Nothing Bundt Cakes, which was always a birthday go to with Chris.

This has without a doubt been one of the hardest years of my life. Through it all though, the grief and the growth, I’ve been reminded that I have nothing to fear. I’ve been reminded that the suffering we have here on Earth, pales in comparison to the treasures we have waiting for us in eternity. I’m reminded that God is good all the time, and His plans are perfect. Finally I’m reminded that even though I have no clue what tomorrow will bring, and no idea when the last time will be the last time, I can’t be fearful for the future because FEAR IS A LIAR.