This has been one “hell of a year” in the words of Parker McCollum, and the start of this school year has been just as hard. I have never been more thankful that I booked a trip for fall break during the summer, as I was when I landed in Florida late last night. Although the origins and outcome for this trip have changed drastically since it was booked months ago, I knew I still needed this trip for my mind and heart to be refreshed and reset, and for me to find some clarity and closure. I’m not sure what all will be accomplished in these areas, but I know one thing for sure, solo travel soothes my soul.
To give you some context as to where I am in this insane journey that is my life, my oldest son made the decision over the summer to live with his dad full time when school started and be with me every other weekend when I have the girls. Kenner explained to me that he needed a man to be able to talk to, and as a 7th grade boy, I know that is true. Kenner used to have great conversations with Chris, and now that he isn’t here, Kenner needs that, and I’m thankful he’s building that relationship with his dad. Grief has also reared it’s ugly head with Kyleigh, and she has started having panic attacks and is triggered when she thinks someone is hurt or could possibly get hurt, or when she is overwhelmed with feeling “alone” at my house by not having a male presence there. All of the big kids have joined a grief group and we are working on getting local psychologists and counselors for Kenner and Kyleigh.
Brace yourself for the controversial update in my life that will no doubt leave some displeased, ruffle some feathers, and bring all the hate comments and nosy neighbors out of the woodwork. Over the summer I decided I wanted to explore the idea of dating. Dating as a 35 year old, twice divorced, widowed, mother of 4 comes with its own train of trials, that I’m honestly considering writing a book about, but I digress. That kept my mind and heart on a roller coaster over the summer and into the start of the school year. Between that, all that is going on with the kids, and the insane start to the school year, I knew I needed support. Consequently I ended up starting a small group at church for widows, joined an additional small group for people who have been divorced or part of a blended family, and joined an evening group of MOPS, Moms of Preschoolers. I need a TRIBE as much as I needed this TRIP!
I flew out of Austin last night, had a layover in Atlanta, and didn’t land in Jacksonville until right at midnight. My main goal was to simply meet the person to get the Jeep for the weekend, and make it to my VRBO rental. I planned on going to sleep the moment my head hit the pillow, but my life can never be that simple. The moment my head hit the pillow my mind started racing with all the thoughts and emotions that were surrounding this trip. A huge majority of those thoughts and emotions, were without a doubt, surrounding my love life.
Long story short this trip was originally planned as a weekend to bring me clarity on a situationship I had gotten into with a guy who lives in Florida over the summer. I was emotionally attached, but knew that the chance of him moving to Texas was unlikely. This trip was originally planned to be a time I could spend time with him and discuss if there was a potential for it turning into more, or if I had just been too quick to become emotionally involved. I ended up ending things with him when I met someone who is local and wanted to pursue that, since it seemed more realistic. That changed this trip to a solo adventure, which I’m always down for, but we had planned however to still meet up for dinner which was the closure I really thought would help me with that chapter. Now that the trip is here, I am still talking to the guy I met locally, but things have felt very distant this past week which has me nervous and feeling like a conversation needs to be had quickly about where this is going, there was also nervousness about dinner with my Florida friend and hopes for some closure. This led to a quite sleepless first night. I finally fell asleep around 1:45am.
I woke up this morning to a buzzing cell phone. It was almost 8 in Florida,which meant almost 7 at home, which was sleeping in late for me. I had a good morning text from my guy, which made me smile, and I also noticed I had a message from the Florida friend. He was asking what I had planned for the day, and then told me that he wouldn’t be able to get together for a bite to eat after all. He let me know he has started taking to someone and she has a weekend trip to St. Augustine planned for them. Ironically St. Augustine was on my list of stops today. While this wasn’t the type of closure I was hoping for, it was closure all the same. One less worry on my plate, and giving me the ability to focus more on me and where I’m at on this trip.
After the early closure text, I got up and headed into Jacksonville for breakfast at the Maple Street Biscuit company. I found this place in a Pinterest search planning for the trip and it immediately called my name. Biscuits and gravy are my favorite without a doubt. It did not disappoint. When they take your order they ask you a quirky question instead of just asking for your name. Today’s was “If you were transformed into a monster, what monster would you be?”. I’m not going to lie, I giggled a little as I came up to get my drink and food after they called out for Dracula. I had the Extreme B&G which was two biscuits covered in their sausage gravy with a kick, with an over easy egg and a maple sausage patty on top of each. I also had their strawberry fields drink which was Prosecco and strawberry purée. It was all SO good and the perfect start to the day.
After breakfast I wandered over to Jacksonville Beach to see the rolling waves and smell the ocean breeze, even though the beach was not on today’s list of activities. I snapped a selfie and as I was walking back to the Jeep I saw the cutest older couple. The husband was helping his wife down the stairs that were super sandy of course. The wife was totally rocking a bikini; no cover up, no shame, all they had was the love for each other and for the beach. Relationship goals.
After my quick beach views I left and headed towards St. Augustine. The forecast for today called for significant rain, so I knew the plan was to try to hit some sight seeing in St. Augustine before the rain started, and then to complete the Jeep Badge of Honor trial in the afternoon since the rain wouldn’t really effect it. The drive to St. Augustine was’t long, and I thankfully had beat the rain. I knew immediately when I arrived in St. Augustine that I would love the history. St. Augustine is the oldest constantly occupied European settlement in the US. While there I walked the adorable downtown shopping area, saw the Castillo de San Marcos, the Bridge of Lions, and the St. Augustine Lighthouse, including the 219 steps up to the top to see the view.
After leaving St. Augustine I headed to the Ocala National Forest to check another Jeep Badge of Honor trail off my list. I intentionally rented a 4×4 Jeep on this trip to be able to do this trail. If you aren’t a Jeep person, there are Badge of Honor Trails around the United States that if you go do the trail, you can check in on their app, and receive a badge to put on your Jeep. It’s a fun way to show what trials you have done. The only other one I’ve done is Hidden Falls Adventure Park in Marble Falls, Texas. This trail was VERY different than that one. It was mainly sugar sand trapped in by right trails with overgrown brush. Due to it being a rental, I couldn’t chance scratching it up and had to stick to the more open trails that were much more sandy. While this Jeep was 4×4, it did NOT have the big trails tires mine has on it or a lift. I was a little concerned as I started. I came to a trail that had a warning sign posted that you aren’t to go on trails not marked with a number, such as the one it was leading to. So naturally what did I do? I decided to try it, and almost instantly regretted the decision. I could tell very quickly that I would be getting stuck. Sure enough I wasn’t very far into the trail area when it happened. I tried what I could to get out but despite it all I ended up having to dig out the tires some. Thankfully it was enough to get a little traction in reverse only, and hit me far enough from that area to get out of there. I should have followed the warning, but ended up making it out and getting the trail badge. Win!
After the trail I headed back to the coastal cabin to rest for a while and freshen up before dinner. You all know what a Mexican food fanatic I am, so of course that was on the menu tonight. I went to a place called the Burrito Gallery. I ordered their New Skool Steak Nachos and ordered a margarita on the rocks. The margarita had a good flavor, but wasn’t out of this world. The nachos though, that was a different story completely. For my College Station lifers, the nachos gave me total La Bodega vibes which made my heart SO happy.
Today was a great day of adventures and I had plenty of time to think and work on clearing my mind. My take away today is that I need to stop trying to be in control of every single situation. I planned this trip under a different pretense, and it ended up being the exact adventure I needed alone. I wanted closure in a specific way, and God brought it in a different way that honestly probably has less strings. For the remainder of this trip I need to remind myself that God is in control, NOT me. I don’t need to fear any upcoming conversations on where things are headed, I don’t need to fear changes in plans, and I definitely don’t need to fear the unknown. God has is all under control, and fear is a liar.
Fear is a Liar 
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