Where do I even start with this unprecedented snowpocalypse that Texas is going through right now? It’s been below freezing for days, we have snow, ice, power outages, water shortages, and to top it all of this morning I officially reached the anger stage of grief.
This isn’t to say I have been calm all week because Lord knows I have been on edge. I started this snowpocalypse with a nurse calling in for the three nights they were scheduled this week, which looked like I might have to be up for 120 hours straight caring for Zeke with virtual learning happening during the day. However, God provided not only a nurse who was willing to not only pick up the shifts, but also make the drive to Caldwell from Brenham. God also provided by having our school close completely through today. I’m still waiting to hear what will happen tomorrow and Friday.
My second, I’m going to lose it moment, happened when the power went off. I had ran our generator recently, but of course when the power went out, I couldn’t get it to start. Our day nurse, as he has on more than one occasion, came in like Mr. Fix it and got it to start right up. The generator is great to run Zeke’s equipment and the heater for his room, but it can’t run the whole house or anything like that. What set me off was the lack of notice provided by the city, or the emergency management office for Burleson county. I literally got what information I could about the rolling blackouts from social media. I have filed the appropriate paperwork to be notified in these situations since Zeke’s health depends on these machines. His nighttime breathing machine has NO BATTERY BACKUP and requires power. If we have people whose job is literally to make sure we are safe and notified in emergencies, then why was there no notification?!
Warmth. Something you take for granted in Texas since it’s normally sweltering. However, having to go out to start the generator back up every 45 minutes, in freezing weather makes you frigid. I realized I was low on wood for the fireplace. The irony in this is that during the last snow storm I lost an entire tree due to snow, and it’s all been cut up for wood, BUT isn’t dry enough yet. Thankfully I have amazing neighbors who brought me wood, and a wonderful father in law that was happy for me to get the wood Chris had chopped off his porch.
Driving in a snowpocalypse also caused me to get angry. I had to take some essentials to my kids in Somerville, get more gas for the generator, and pick up the previously mentioned wood from Dad’s. I drive a HUGE Nissan 12 passenger van. It isn’t 4 wheel drive, but it’s massive. I wasn’t too worried about my drive because I’m super cautious and my tank tends to traverse all kinds of things better than most vehicles. While out and about on the road though, I had people passing me! Like changing lanes into on coming traffics on snowy roads because I wasn’t going fast enough for them. My mind was blown. I also had a guy, who almost hit not only me, but also a gas pump, look annoyed when I gave him the what is wrong with you look. This is Texas. We don’t generally now how to drive in this white stuff, so if you don’t know how to, just stay home!!
Today though took the cake and sent me over the anger edge. I woke up to my oldest son’s room having water leaking from the ceiling. The floor is soaked as well as several pieces of furniture and electronics. I knew immediately what was wrong. His room was built as a sun room addition to the house. It has SINGLE pane windows covering two complete walls, very little insulation, and a roof that doesn’t have near as much slope as it should. The piles of ice and snow, on top of the roof, had nowhere to go as they started to melt and compact. I knew my only option was to get it all off the roof. I bundled up in my ski gear, got out the ladder, snow shovel, and broom and climbed on top of the roof. I’m sure you are wondering why I have a snow shovel, which is a great question; I usually use it for leaves thanks to the size of it. As I got to the top of the roof and started shoveling, the anger set in as grief reared it’s ugly head. I kept saying to myself “I shouldn’t be having to do this alone”, “Chris would have found a better way to do this”, “Chris would have done something different to prevent this from happening all together”, “Why wasn’t I more prepared? Chris would have been”. As I worked on that roof for 3 HOURS cussing the snow, asking ALL the questions, and being angry that I was having to do this alone, I realized that I was having all these feelings because of grief. I’m angry that Chris wasn’t there to help, angry I was having to do it myself, and angry that my love wasn’t there to support me through this.
After climbing down from the roof I literally took an hour long bath to warm up and to let my mind calm from all that anger. In that hour I realized several things. The first, is that although this weather is NOT normal, this anger stage of grief IS. Today has been 2 months since I lost my soulmate, lover, best friend, and better half. It is completely normal for me to be angry, and have all kinds of emotions right now. I also realized that I am not alone. As I climbed off the roof I had a friend call me to let me know that she was headed to Walmart and Brookshire’s and to see if I needed anything. I also have my amazing friend and neighbor Kelsey who brought the wood, and multiple other neighbors who offered to send their husbands to help with the generator or to get gas for it if I needed it. I’ve also had my entire team of coworkers checking on me to make sure I’m ok. The last realization was something I already knew but needed to be reminded of. I was raised to be fiercely independent. Not all women would have had the gumption, to get up on that roof and clear it. I might not like that I’m a single mom and widow, but God clearly equipped me for this journey to be so independent and able bodied.
My bath didn’t fix it all but it put things into perspective. No, I don’t know if my motorcycle license class for this weekend is on or off or if I’ll even have nursing coverage to attend without losing my money; no I don’t know what school will be for the rest of the week; no I don’t know if Kenner’s room is a loss or salvageable, or if I should just call insurance; no I don’t know when this grief will be more manageable; and no I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, other than more intolerable temperatures. BUT what I do know is that God is good, His plans are perfect, and this too shall pass.
Enjoy the snowpocalypse pictures. You HOPEFULLY won’t see them again for a long time!
Fear is a Liar 
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