In the last month my life has changed forever. There are titles that you get throughout life that are worn as a badge of honor; Wife, Mother, Graduate, Grandmother, Saved. But the title I received a month ago is one I never wanted, that I would never wish on anyone, and one that comes with a heavy weight; Widow.
It is so hard to believe that it has been one month since I lost the love of my life, my partner, soulmate, lover, and best friend. It started like any other day, before I left the house for work I slid my arms around him, he rolled over and smiled, I kissed him and told him I loved him and was headed to work. He told me he loved me and went back to sleep as I walked out the door. Never in a million years did I think that would be the last time I would talk to him. The rest of the day, and really the next few weeks was a blur, other than the devastating blows of telling our kids what happened. The anguish of those conversations, and the despair in our kids faces will never leave me. It’s been a month of tears, prayers, stress, insomnia, zero appetite, meetings on meetings on meetings, phone calls, awkward conversations, reading, journaling and reflection, and a month of firsts with this awful new title of Widow.
The hardest part is not only am I mourning the death of my husband, but also the loss of a daughter. Chris and I had won primary custody of his daughter. Starting just 11 days after his accident, we would have had her with us full time. We were so excited to have our family all together, and more importantly to have what was truly best for her. After all the wins in court, all the battles fought, it all washed away with Chris’s passing, because in Texas step-parents have NO RIGHTS. To make matters worse, her family told ours that they will do whatever they can to make sure Chris’s daughter never sees me or my children again. It was a devastating blow on top of an unimaginable time for me.
At the ripe “old” age of 34 I have now lost both my parents, and my husband. My children have lost 4 grandparents, a dad, and a sister. I’ve been told more times than I can count, “Erin you’re so strong”, or “Erin you’re the strongest person I know”, which is a truthful, but a double edged statement. Initially I just felt empty, broken, devastated, and wanted to just crumble. However, that is NOT an option. I have four beautiful children to raise and take care of, and a step son and father and law to look out for. Being strong has never been an option, it is simply what’s necessary.
I will have more posts about all the things that have transpired, without a doubt, but for today, I just want to remember Chris. It’s been a month without his voice, his kiss, his laughter, his encouragement, and his love. It has been one of the hardest things I have EVER endured. When my parents passed the book of Job was my go to. As I read all the awful trials and tribulations Job went through it helped me in that moment to be thankful, because I didn’t have it as bad as Job. However, in losing Chris, I realized at this point I FEEL LIKE JOB. I just keep reminding myself that Job never forsakes God, and neither will I. My new unwanted title of Widow is part of my journey for whatever reason, and I know God is good despite the devastation that I am feeling right now.
Fear is a Liar 
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